That’s what you said the last time you mention one of my letters. You said “you and those fucking letters.” But that was my fault because I sent them to your work.
I understand how that might Be the response, even so, I bet there are women who would love to receive even a single love letter from anyone. I have to admit that it didn’t sting a little to hear that.
I’ve mentioned before why I write them to you. But I’ve usually avoided the most common reason that I write them to you. I wrote those letters to you so that you would respond to me, and so I could understand how you felt about the things that I wrote to you about. But you never responded to any of my letters, not even once.
I would think most people would stop writing you after what would seem to be a rebuke. If didn’t know that you love my letters it would’ve hurt me quite deeply. But even though you have never responded to even one of my letters, you have told me that you love them.
Many years ago I hoped that by writing you that you would respond to me and then I would understand how you felt about things. Over the years there have been many times I’ve written you and then felt like a fool or an idiot for putting my heart out there and then for you to not respond to them. It’s actually quite rude of you not to respond in someway. But I’ve grown accustomed to that not in just my letters but in other things as well.
I know that other men have called you selfish because of that sort of thing. Not specifically letters but what seems like a lack of caring or a lack of compassion towards someone else. I’ve never understood how you can hear some things that are certainly tender to someone’s heart and not feel some sort of need to respond either affirmatively or negatively. It’s actually hurt our relationship quite a bit. And I guess maybe it hasn’t hurt our relationship because it would have to her two of us for that to be the case but it has certainly hurt me at times.
I’ve come to understand that it’s because you’re broken in the very specific and beautiful way. I’m love glad you love me and have allowed me to be close enough to understand you, because you’re worth it. Even as difficult as it sometimes is to feel rejected even though I understand but that that’s not necessarily what it is.
But knowing that only makes it marginally less painful to feel the rejection or what seems like rejection. And it doesn’t help at all in understanding our relationship. In fact it hurts our relationship and some regards. Because through the years and our relationship I said many, many things that you didn’t rebuff or reject or counter and so I carried on thinking that I understood some things.
It’s also heard a relationship in another way. In that I can’t rely on the past and what has happened in our relationship and I am forever questioning what the reality between you and me is.
Many times I’m my own worst critic and I castigate myself over things only to find out later that I misunderstood them terribly and that you care for me more than I have allowed myself to believe.
And there have been many things that you spoke of or we spoke of that I try to clarify yet they remain a mystery to me and color my impressions of our relationship. In fact many years ago you used to say things about yourself that are different from the reality and it’s hard to understand trying to piece together the realities picking from the fragments of conversation we have had in the more recent past I have been using that seem to nullify things I thought I’d understood in the past.
I hope you realize how difficult it is for me to simply stand by and wait, when it is so much different from the way I would behave, when we could simply have a kind conversation that would clarify so many things but in stead leaving me wondering what it is you want. Maybe the last thing you want is any sort of clarity because it things are to clear our relationship might suffer or end.
Actually I think that’s what you might fear, I don’t fear that at all, because I’m different from what you’ve experienced in the past. You’ve known some shallow self-centered nihilistic man who don’t understand the first thing about love outside of themselves.
I fear that you will always treat me as if I am the same as every other man. And so to protect yourself you treat me the way you wish you had treated those men from your past by keeping me in the position where I can’t get close enough to hurt you. And that’s where I will always remain, somewhere at arm’s length where I cannot hurt you. But the other side of the same coin is that from that distance will never truly feel love.
I see that you hurt yourself with this sort of thing all the time. When things might become emotional risky or difficult you change the subject or cut things off or run away because you’re afraid of the pain that might come if there’s rejection and so you simply end the emotional risk before even taking a risk which could actually with an emotionally reward.
That’s exactly what you do to me and it’s the most painful thing that you do to me. You said to me a couple of times in the past that sometimes you have to face the reality of us. That implies that because there’s a difference in our ages or in our lives, that it’s better for us not to love each other, and that it’s better not to take emotional risks with each other. But that’s just bullshit! That doesn’t admit the reality, it rejects the reality. Because the reality is that we both love each other very much and I don’t see why you turn your head to that.
You spend so much time playing defense and keeping me at a distance that you reject the most honest moments that have ever been between us. There’s nothing you want more than the very thing you deny yourself. And while that might be safe for you it’s very, very painful for me. And I know it might be equally painful for you. But at least YOU understand it and can deal with it honestly. Are you on the other hand am left completely in the dark wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. And not what’s wrong with me as in Am I psychopath, but what’s wrong with me as in, why am I not good enough for your affection.
There’s a saying that I like the goes like this: three things cannot long vehicle, the sun, the moon, and the truth. The truth is we love each other and one day that will be obvious even to you. I love you very much Catnip.