Boys, just do it! —-Tell her you think she’s cool. Tell her why you think she’s so cool. Smell her hair. Talk to her in movie theatres. Pick her up and pretend you’re going to throw her in the river; shell scream and fight you but secretly, shell love it. Hold her hand and skip. Hold her hand and run. Just hold her hand. Pick flowers from other peoples gardens and give them to her. Tell her she looks pretty. Let her pay for stuff if she wants to. Introduce her to your friends as the coolest girl I know. Sit in the park and talk to her. Take her to the library, and playgrounds, and train stations. Tell her dirty jokes. Tell her stupid jokes. Write poems about her. Just walk around with her. Throw pebbles at her window at night. When she starts swearing at you, tell her you love her. Take her to shows of bands she’s never heard of. Hold her hand in the mosh pit. Let her fall asleep in your arms. Call her. Call her back if she calls you. Sing to her, no matter how bad you are. Carve your names into a tree. Get her mad, and then kiss her. Give her piggy-back rides. Go see her band play even if they really suck, and tell her they were great. Give her space if she needs it. Push her on swings. Stay up with her all night when she’s sick. Make up pet names for her, but cool ones, not sappy ones. Teach her guitar. Lend her your cds. Write on her. Make her mix tapes. Write her letters. If she asks you to go to a show with her, go, even if it means a 5 hour train trip. Take her to cool shops, and let her take you to even cooler ones. Listen to all the bands she mentions. Don’t tell her that her favorite bands suck. When she’s sad, hang out with her or stay on the phone with her, even if she’s not saying anything. Buy her ice cream. Let her take all the photos of you she wants. Look into her eyes. Slow dance with her, even if the music is fast. Kiss her in the rain. When you fall in love with her, tell her.
Years ago in the Army and they sent me to Panama City, Panama. It was hot and humid as fuck and we went directly to the field and it sucked… We were out for about a week and when we came back and had a weekend off… Saturday morning most of the men took off and headed for the watering holes and the woman in the city. I decided to sleep in… When I woke up there wasn’t a soul in sight. I was laying there in the barracks covered in just a sheet and my own perspiration… The sheet was clinging to me and pulled against me with every move I made…. I pulled the sheet off expecting a chill as the wet sheet left my skin exposed but it was sweltering and I felt nothing but the beads of sweat rolling down my cheats and abs… I stood up and wrapped a towel around me, grabbed my shaving kit and headed to the showers… It was a giant old colonial building with huge white sinks and from the third floor I should see the jungle we had spent a week in as I walked…. When I got to the mirrors I could see the week’s growth of beard and knew it would pull as I shaved but I knew it would pull less today then it would Monday so I resolved to do it… Not a soul was there. I had all the time in the world instead of a dozen guys trying to get in and out all at once… I filled the sink with water and left the water running. I took two hands full of water and pulled it to my face. The whole place was tiled with floor drains so I just let the water drain off of me, and I did it again and again and it felt like heaven… I surrendered to the heat and simply did it again and again. Then I took a handful of shaving cream and covered my whole neck from my chest up to my face, rinsed my hands and took the razor in my hand and set it at the top of my sideburns and grimaced as I started to pull waiting for the pain… But there was none. The days of humid weather had rendered my whiskers ready for the blade. Every pull of the blade was amazing. Long full slow strokes with the blade pressed against my skin and I could actually hear the hair as it was severed. It was magical and so satisfying. A complete and painless surprise… After every stroke I rinsed the blade in the water deliberately and I shaved until my face was clean and not a wisp of shaving cream was left… My face was absolutely smooth. I took another handful of hot water and splashed it on my face, neck and chest and repeated it with the water funning down my torso and legs in a way you simply could do unless you were in this exact circumstance and alone… then walked in and showered. It was the singular most peaceful half hour of my life…. I know it makes no sense and you won’t understand… But I’d give you that half an hour if I could…
Yesterday was such a painful day for me. We went to lunch at the Great Wall and had Chinese and you were charming of course. But our conversation was so artificial, we had already said everything once.
I miss you!
When Can I see you again!
How are you? I’m fine. How are you? I’m fine.
It was all perfectly lovely but so banal. That’s not what I want in our relationship at all. We speak sometimes in this quiet chickenshit code because the truth and the distance between us is sometimes painful to cross. With all of the crap your having to go through with that asshole that tried to kill you I am careful not to add to your pain because you have so much of your own already.
I never intend to hurt you. But yesterday I did. I hurt you. Not because I wanted to, its the last thing I ever want. In fact I didn’t know it would hurt you at all. If I knew in advance it would hurt you I wouldn’t have said a word. But none the less I hurt you.
We spoke about the silence and the pain of it all. I spoke about how hard it is not to hear from you and you spoke about how I need to trust in the fact that you love me. Even those things are shallow and we didn’t talk long because I didn’t want to see you hurting. But in protecting you, I hurt me. I cant imagine what you must go through or the fear you have to endure. All I know is that I miss you and that I need you. Its only been a short while since he attacked you. But its been a lifetime since I fell in love with you hoping you would one day fall in love with me.
I’m happy beyond words to know that you do love me, and I will never stop or falter in that. It took you 9 years to catch up to me in loving me. A time that seemed forever and yet is also so worth it that I will continue to love you as you heal and get through this. Just know that on occasion I will need to know that as you are sorting out your life and dealing with the pain, that you still love me. You tell me every day you love me and I hear it. But on occasion I want to feel it as well.
I love you Catnip
You asked me such a simple question and the answer is both complex and simple. I love you as I have never loved another woman before. That is the short answer.
Part of the answer will make you angry. Part of it is because you bear worrying about! Not only because you live life, but because you sometimes make mistakes and sometimes when you do those who should support you do a poor job of it. Your the most amazing woman I know and that’s so even though for the most part you have to take care of everything you to and everything you encounter all by yourself. Sometimes you need help or love or understand from someone who loves you and I can be that. Another easy way to say that is that I wish you were mine!
I wish you had continue to let yourself fall in love with me and that we would have ended up together, married raising a family together. But that’s not what happened. I don’t know that I would say that you have chosen another man yet, I’m not sure that’s what has happened because you continue to see me and want to see me, for which I am grateful. But you did not choose me. But I still love you and for now and for the future as long as you allow me to be part of your life I will express my love for you in words and deeds.
I want everything I have ever told you that I want from you. But if I don’t get that, then I still love you and as long as I am allowed I will care for you and be kind to you within those confines.
The long answer is long because it is so complex. You are such a wounded little kitten at times that it wounds me to my very core. Such a tender and beautiful woman, so full of life and so amazing, and yet you are this wonderful woman having gone through so much turmoil. How amazing would you be if you have been treated as a woman should be treated bye the men in your life who you give so fully to and who demand so much of you in return.
There is a part of me that simply hopes that you one day see the value in you that I see and that you demand that the men in your life treat you as I treat you without qualification or demand. I do love you and I will prove it by teaching you how to love and be loved and I will have to be satisfied that that is enough. It will kill me in a million little ways, but I don’t love you because you give to me or because you share with me. I do love those things but my love for you means more than that.
I have loved very few women. I know that doesn’t mean a lot to someone who have been so loved and pursued by so many. But it means something to me. I love you so I worry and care about you.
So for now I will stop writing before I sound even more pathetic. I love you that’s why,.