I’m glad were back together, so to speak. Last night was a warm night for me. I know I make your life complex, as you do mine. But I can’t deny you or what we are any more than you can, and I needed a night close to you.
There is always something hanging over us. The trial, or you family, or my family always looms in the background so its hard to go out and just do something fun. But I had fun with you. Your so charming. The fact that you don’t know that is the most amazing part of it. We walk in and heads turn, but you don’t notice. I think most women would be cowed into submission just by the stares that you get and don’t even notice. You just dive in and live.
I know I’m not a very good drinker but I did learn a lot. I learned that even at $15 dollars a pop I don’t like some booze. Next time I will have the duck fart! Petron (however it’s spelled) sucks and it made the back of my throat feel raw, does it do that to you?
I know were complex. But were complex because you are complex, me to, I won’t deny that. But I have been considering our relationship for many years more than you have and I am at peace with it. I hope to talk more about it with you. I know you don’t like talking, but I can’t let things as big as some of the things in our relationship just go on and on the way you can. You see that as me pushing sometimes. But it’s not. I can deal with anything, anything at all, if I know where I stand.
What I suck at is sitting around and waiting to see. It does not bother me at all that you and I have to be careful to protect our relationship because we have been found out before in the past. I love you love me and want to protect that relationship. But when you take steps to do that and can’t bring yourself to explain them or to comfort me and let me know that were ok, its hard for me.
Last night you told me nothing between us has changed. It was thrilling to hear because I have been dying inside. But you have been peacefully waiting for time to pass and for the opportunities to be close to come again. I saw your quietness as blowing me off and an attempt to distance me.
I don’t judge you little girl, not like other people do, and not like you judge yourself. Talking about “the Penis” you said that you need his physical presence and that you have an attachment and that things could change when “the Asshole” is in prison. You had told me in advance that this would happen and I anticipated it, but when you dedicated yourself to him and didn’t call me or tell me what was going on it was hard to see it for what it was. For some reason you don’t want to just come out and say he’s there, maybe temporally, and that you have to play by his rules to be safe. Fine. That does not bother me because I can’t do that right now, and I want you safe. But knowing that tells me that I still have value to you and that a time will come again when we can be closer.
Even so, with our brief discussion, you misunderstand some things about me and I look forward to talking about them again in the future. Your relationship with a couple of abusers in your life colors the way you see me, which is fine and I understand. But it makes you careful and sometimes hurts me. But I have been here 10 years, you have been in love with me since April and he attacked you in August. We’ve hardly had a moment to even define “us” with out you having to look over your shoulder or answer to someone. But I know that a time will come when we will be at peace with each other. I love you.