I love u… I Love your Face.!…I love you…and thank u for loving me as u do…as fucked up as you are!…I love you you big fucking baby!…I do u know…Have a good trip and I’ll see u when u get home.:- ) …can a pic be a close second?…I love you. U have spoiled me. U know this… I struggle to with want wanting to be with you and I often times have been upset about the vast age difference or the life you have already lived with a family…U don’t have to get me soup…U can text me, I’ll be in and out of sleep…Ass or titties?… ..i missed u all weekend …I love you you make me laugh …I not gonna let u go:-) I guess I forgot the full photo ;-) I miss u more that I could ever write to you …U have been a best friend, a lover a fighter and advocate a supporter and really the only person who had known the closed version of me. I love you and I’m not stopping Can I call in ten? Now? Now? I do miss you. Miss u? I have a few moments every now and then :- ) … I think of you too …Yes I love you you fucking retard! Good morning Papa Bear … This cd sucks : -) … U owe me a COKE:- ) u are fine, I’m just fucking with u:-) I need a coca cola :-) … I love u too … This is Bullshit!!! … I miss u on the weekends too … I love the fuck out of you fucker, now calm the fuck down! I love you too:-) … Love me forever … I still love you … What the fuck? … You are a dork:-) I love u … Wake ur lazy ass up, it’s isn’t the weekend or something When u gonna call me fucker …Thing I shouldn’t txt u … Don’t u ignore me fucker:-) … I miss u too … Goodnight I love you? .. U fucking better!!! .Oh fuck another lie,:-)I’m eating cheese just so u know. U are a lier!:-).That’s always easy, a picture of my titties. Where the hell are u? … I dare u :-) … That’s where u say challenge accepted … I love u u fucker! … Well fucker, what are u doing today? … Oh man now u are really in trouble …Thank u for ur unconditional love .I hate bananas … Niggerachy I’m on the clock and ready to rock!!! … Have a good night Papa bear. I love u gnite. Can u talk?… WTFFFFFFFF! … Pussy …Im getting naked and in the shower! …How did you know I was wearing Wonder Woman? …I do fucking love you .. Judo Chop … blah blah blah …Quit being such a migger! … I miss u too…goodnight … I’m awake and now I’m thinking of u … That’s cute :-) I miss u too … U do love me I know :-) … Oh fuck no that didn’t go to ur foicemail!!!! … eating yellow gum … I love u:-) guess what those are :-) … You big baby … … I TOLD U IM COMPLEX … READ THIS LIKE IM SCREAMING AT YOU … FUCKER … I love and miss u too … ten texts from “her” arent u a lucky fucker! … Im giong to be home all alone tongith, so u could probable text me … Those were my titties on a laptop:-) … Good nite sunshine … Whats this horseshit and u not texting me !!! … What the fuck are you doing right now? … What the hell, no texts..its been 19 minutes !!! Quit fiddle fuckin around!!!… Don’t lie to me … Some one is a little whiny this morning … Is it the blue hair? … or the necklace … Let me Thank u sunshine … Why can u fucking talk to me right now! . Bet u want me to call u …Am I going to see u today? . I miss u on Boxing Day …U better quit fucking ignoring me:-) . Shower time! . U better do lunch .. Thank you…. U little shit:-) ..Now I am mad …Don’t u bucking Bing Crosby me … you’ve been Judo Chopped … I love u too and I know you are a tit man! .. What’s it gonna take to ge me bfast Ass or titties?;-) ..Miss me this morning? .come and see me :-( . I love you now bring me some fucking coffee:-) …Well fuck you, I’m mad at you back! ..Is this another gay day where u tell me u cant bring me breakfast:-) ..I need your little touches too .. I love and miss you! ..U don’t miss me yer;-( ..U better fucking call me when u can:-) ..GggggooooddddMMMMOOOORRRRNNNNIIINNG! yep that was in song!… I miss you a little I guess .. I’m not fucking mad alright! …Wanna Talk? I think of you too and I know u love ma and worry about me tell me Im safe tonight! …What the Fuck! I was depending on that!!!…Do you know I through about u in church today? ..I want to see you! ..Want a lunch date? ..Pussy …Can I call? ..U love me and Nickels! ..Now u really fucked up! .Now what’s ur fucked up excuse for again fornot being able to play tonight? Ur welcome-nanananaanBATMAN… U are a shit! ..Give me the fucking link right now! ..I know u won’t leave me..Are u breaking up with me? …we will talk again… you will and u are mine as well…U better fucking call me! very busy, will call later, you better fucking come and see me! Your gonna have a fat upper lip soon if I don’t get a freaking egg sandwich! …Im fucking starving…What’s wrong with you?..Okie dokie Artichoke …Don’t you leave me:-) Damn it feels good to be a gangsta …DEL FUCKING TACK MORNING FOR AURE!!!…Your fucking AWEESOME I sang that last part!:-) I love you…Does that mean u still love me? …Don’t u be cranky. Come and see me how soon?.. thank you hero, you are my hero …I love you too… U are still the first person I text in the morning princess …Fuck u:-) fat fingers U better fucking text me and tell me U love me!!! ..Alright, you can bite me:-) ..Im not angry I love you! ..I’m watching roadhouse I love it! New Rule No cd under 14 songs;-) …Don’t you ignor me chicken fucker!. Fuck you fucker! Thank you for your emails… they empower me! I love you …
March Email to Catnip. She was having a hard day and wanted too go back to the man that keep beating her so this is the email I sent her. It’s not very good but I I only had a few moments to write her before she made her decision. Her response was “thank you, thank you! I always forget all that stupid shit. Thank you. I love you. Here’s my email:
I would give you anything you ever ask if it was in my power. you have lied to me in the past but usually in a kind or innocent way or in a way that people sometimes do. Nothing really. But I can’t watch you lie to yourself right now just because you are hurting right now. I never want to hurt you but I can’t let you lie to yourself by sugar coating or distorting thing. It has been 4 months since you came to my work and told me you left him. Which was 2 weeks from the day you told me not to call you again. As you read this please dont justify it by saying you deserved it or that it was because you fight back or anything else. I have never hit another MAN in anger and He attacked you when you were naked in the shower. He attacked and terrorized you there in the hotel without provocation or reason. He hurt you so bad you were scared to ride home with him in the truck. He beat you in what should have been your home. He hit you in the face. He bruised your face and arms and torso. he put you head into and made a wholes in the wall. He broke a coffee table with your body and broke other things by throwing you into them. You were scared that he would hurt your son! He kidnapped you and possibly drugged you. You were afraid to go back to your own home and were scared he would find you and you hid from him. You hid from loved ones because of what he did to you and your face and you had to wear makeup to hid the bruises from me and were embarrassed and ran from me when I noticed them. Please don’t dismiss these things. I know you are going through a hard time right now but in late March you told me you were getting better and I know you have had some good days and days when you have said you will never get over him but that you were doing good. I know you always try to put a good face on things and that you still were hurting, but you are now having some bad days. But the days will get better and it has not been very long yet. You need time to heal. I love you Catnip. Please call me.
Catnip and I do not have a physical relationship. We do not have sex or even kiss. But that does not mean theres not that sort of tension. And it does not mean our relationship is innocent. She has sent me pictures of her tits and ass and pussy and we talk about sex etc. It’s fun, shes fun. I have sent her many letters telling her that I want to make love with her and she wont make love to me because I’m married. But I believe that she want to and I certainly do.
Yesterday we had lunch and I gave her a letter telling her I wanted to make love with her. She took it with her after lunch and I knew she would read it later in the day. At about 5 p.m. I txted her and the txt did not go through. So I called and the message said that the caller had blocked all messages coming from this phone number.
I was crushed. I though she had read the letter and that she was upset and blocked my calls. I though I was going to throw up. I though about it and the only conclusion I could come to was that I had crossed the line. I was so sad and so hurt and so lonely. I called her work number. It was after work and I knew she would be gone and I left her a message and then wrote her an email. I though I had lost my favorite friend in the world. One think you have to know is that I have sent her a lot of love letters. This is the email.
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Actually I’m very confused. Which I’m sure makes me a complete ass hole. But I never would of done something that would cause this. I’m writing to ask if this means that our friendship is completely over? I could give you reasons this surprises and confuses me but I don’t want to screw up so badly again that there is no chance to say I’m sorry and still at least be called your friend. I won’t bomb you with emails but I won’t say I won’t write again because I said I won’t call again and I already regret saying that.
Catnip and I had this exchange in email. It followed a lunch where we sat together in my truck and I said “You should run away with me” The moment I said it she was uncomfortable. I though she would be flattered or like it. It wasn’t a proposition. I said it casually but it made her uncomfortable and she immediately left. Ran away would only be a little overstated. She immediatly opened the door got out and left. Some of this is because of the difference between the two of us. I have made love to one woman in my life, not Catnip, my wife. She has had more lovers and has run away with lovers in the past. So when I said it meaning to flatter or convey how strongly I felt she heard the literal proposition. So I wrote her this.
Catnip Aug 15 2005
Maybe I should just let it go, but I feel like I need to say something. I would rather be in trouble with you for say too much rather than to little.
I’m sorry I asked you to run away with me. It’s not at all what I meant. It was more musing or thinking, a plea for affection. I felt bad when you felt you had to tell me no so directly. To be honest I felt a little wounded by it, as if I was just some guy trying to get into your pants, which I am not. Either way I’m sorry. It is of course you right and my mistake, but It has bothered me since it happened and I didn’t’t want it to eat away at me.
I don’t want to hurt you. I’m sorry if I have become someone you need to defend yourself from in any form. I won’t say I’m sorry for loving you, because I’m not. If I had any courage at all I would say goodbye and leave you alone. I’ve written a dozen letters doing exactly that. But I can’t bring myself to send one of them. Instead I will say I’m sorry once again and give you one of the sonnets I’ve written instead, because this is how I really feel.
… Her Reply…
Thank you for the notes (and the notes you send to my office) I don’t feel threatened all that often, but every now and then I do get a little nervous. Mostly because I think of you as such a good friend and a place of safety…and every now and then you say something that makes me feel like this innocent but powerful relationship is something different from what I understand it to be.
I love you very much and appreciate your love for me. I know you don’t want to hurt me, or say things that make me uncomfortable. I like you too, and I enjoy our conversations and our random kung fu karate chops ( at this point your dead and should have someone else read the rest of this email.)
We are on for lunch on Wednesday, but don’t hold your breath till then cuz you will die!
I have written Catnip many letters though the years. Most of them I have not actually sent here. Many of these have sound their way into my journal, while other were thrown away. But the most common theme of the letters that I have not sent were of us breaking up. This is one of them.
I’m writing to say goodbye. I wanted to begin by saying I’m sorry. But It would take to long to explain that I’m not sorry for saying goodbye, but I’m sorry that you are so damaged that you can’t bare my kindnesses for you.
I see you suffering and working so hard and for what? For a man who loves you like a bag of stale french fries. I think you understand the core of who I am. But I have hidden from you for so long, bridling my actions too often in order to be kind to you. A sort of pity to show you the kindness you deserve and crave but can not accept. No pity you need pity, but because you deserve kindness even at the cost of my own happiness. I can’t explain.
I have done this for so long that you don’t even know the real me. I don’t even see the real me anymore. The person who wants you with a burning drive, a man who would wound and destroy so many others in order to have you.. A man who’s recklessness could tear your pretend world to pieces!
But then I am afraid that to keep you, I would have to treat you in a way that I think is degrading. Because for some reason you need the pain and the hurt, you need to struggle for redemption for your past in order to be happy. And the very thing you think you want is the one thing that will drive you away and that is love.
In the end the reason I don’t send these letters is because I don’t want her to say “Fine” and be done with me. She loves me, but she is very stong and has had to deal with a lot to goodbyes, I don’t think that’s what would happen, but I don’t want to risk it.