I want so badly for you to understand that I love you and for you to fully understand what that means. But I think it’s a struggle for you. I know would be easier for you if I didn’t love you, as fucked up as that is to say. Since I have never touched you, I’ve wondered if it would be better for you if I were to leave you alone now, so that you would never question if I loved you, and our love would be perfect in your mind forever. But I could never do that because I could never leave you.
You wondered even after almost 10 years if I was gaming you because you weigh every expression of my love against what you had to pay in the past to be loved. I didn’t know how to feel about that except that I was happy you could tell me anything about how you feel because that is so hard for you to do.
You have been so brutally fucked over, mind fucked, and not just by the Asshole, for so long, that that, is what you’re looking for, not love. Even a simple touch of you hand sometimes says to you, “I knew it all along, that’s all he wants.” It makes me sad but not for me. It makes me sad because I know you believe in love, you just don’t believe you deserve to be loved.
Just as you have realized that you were being abused, you will one day realized that I do love you and the weight of that love after all these years will be powerful and wonderful. When that day comes, I will still be here.
I love you