Anneliese texted me the question Why are you with me and this was my response.
I love the question you ask. “Why are you with me”? Don’t think I havent asked myself that question a million times. Every time I go to see you I say to myself “What the hell are you doing”? Why am I with you? Im in love with you and Im all fucked up. Its easy to see that in the end you will find someone you love and leave me behind.
I’m with you because it’s so damn fun. I love the time we spend together. Don’t you? I’m happy when I’m with your. It certainly gives my life no peace. I’m a weird way my life wold be easier if I stayed away. But as you know I can’t. I need you. I like you. I’m glad your like me to. Life would suck without you. And you would miss me so that’s the answer. Is that clear? I doubt it. Love you.
I was writing this not to mail to Anneliese when I receive a simple txt from her that said. “I like going to lunch with u”.
That stupid little txt made me happy. She drives me nuts. I replied:
“Thanks, I like it to. I’m glad your bro is here. (aside: He fly’s in now and then to visit, they are very close) He makes you happy. Have fun. P.S. no more killer pizza for me. Put it on the list”.
She told her friend earlier in the day that her brother was in town and invited her over for drinks or whatever. As we were leaving she said she would be hanging with her brother the rest of the week and that we would have to get together next week. Awesome. I love seeing her and next week will be cool.
I drove myself crazy for a year wondering how she felt about me. I stuck a fucking knife in my veins to get over her. I left my wife to be with her and to see if anything was there. Im completely fucked. I can see it coming a clear as the Sun. She needs me now. She is lonely and I am save to her. Im not the push and grab a girl by the tits and fuck her kind of guy. She knows she can see me with impunity and be save and I will never do a thing except long for her. So I see her frequently now.
But she is going to find a guy and fall in love with him and that will be it for me. She wont tell me, she wont say “Hey Im dating this great guy, Im going to be calling you less or anything. She will see me over and over until she finds this guy then she will simply drop me for a month or two or three, then she will call out of the blue once the romance has worn off and want to go to lunch and talk as if we’ve been seeing each other every week forever. It will kill me again and again, and when it does I should tell her to fuck off and stop treating me like that. But I won’t. I love her to much to ever be that blunt or to be unkind. Even if it kills me, as it already has.
The only other thing that would be worse is also going to happen, which is she will find someone who is fun and who she will take as a lover and she will not think anything of dropping hints or even of just telling me that she is sleeping with someone. And she will never know that it kills me and that I want to cut my cock off then shoot myself in the head and be dead. She will make love to whomever this other person is, a former friend or love or someone for whatever reason she trust enough to sleep with and It will kill me. Its not that she has lovers, its not really that at all. Its that she cares for me and I think is attracted to me in a way that she would make love to a man over, but for some reason she wont share that with me.
What is odd to me is that in my mind I believe that she wants to make love to me. She has told me before that she wont because I am married and that its inappropriate. When she says that In part I do and in part I dont believe her. Whatever the reason, she wont make love to me. I personally find it odd that she will make love to men whom she is not married to and she does not find that inappropriate. But whatever the reason it, she wont make love to me. This must sound like bullshit and Im sure to her it would sound like bull, but its not even about sex with Anneliese, its about her feeling love on a level that I dont think she has felt, or at least on a level that she has felt by a man who loves her enough to sacrafice for her and to put that, her needs, ahead of his.
Its hard being in love and not being able to push the relationship farther. But it is what it is. For now I get to see her. And when she finds another man she will leave me and I will deal with it then.
I sometimes feel bad for her. So many people have abused her that she is waiting for me to do the same, and I wont.