I’m sorry “the Asshole” hit you again, and after seeing you the word “Beat” is better than hit. And I’m sorry I didn’t get your phone call sooner. I feel like I have failed you in so may ways. Even here I’m going to fail you because I’m not a strong enough man to be what you need me to be. Even as black and blue and sore as you are I still have need of you and a need to feel love from you.
Last night he beat you and chased you down with the car, and sent you to the hospital. The bruises are so painful to look at in can’t imagine how they felt and how terrifying it must have been to not only be attacked, but also betrayed. And frankly I would think you felt some shock to realize that he is in fact the monster that you dismiss him ass.
I couldn’t believe it when I saw you. This weekend aged you. The bruises on your face and neck and arms and even on your breasts made you look so different. Really it was not your look so much as your broken spirit that I saw. You were beautiful, even with the bruises I wanted to cry just to see you again. I’m so in love with you.
This weekend sucked and I hope you ask me about it some time. Because I knew you were going to him. I don’t know it you know it but you practically screamed it to me, plus, when you, go to him, you change and your lies are different… That’s why I sent you the email. What could I do? A single word challenging you would have pissed you off not end. And you were already lying to me about it. How much more “its none of your fucking business” could you be. Ask me and i will tell you exactly what you said. All I could do was wait and hope I was wrong.
What fucking kind of pussy is he? And what the fuck is going on with you? I’m sad beyond sad and on so many levels. I’m glad that you called me, that you trusted me enough to call and that you knew that I would be there for you. It made me feel like a man in a way I’m sure “the Asshole” will never feel because a man understands that he is a man because he serves others, not because he controls them.
“The Asshole” will always hit you and it will never be enough, so he will hit you sooner, quicker, then he will hurt you more, and it will never be enough. It will get worse and worse and he will never be satisfied until he is in prison or you are dead.
But you. How I must have failed you. I don’t even know what to say. That you still want to see him makes me a failure on some level.
But I will always love you and I was glad to be able to be of some service to you because you need someone who loves you unconditionally. But there are so many buts and whys, and I afraid I won’t be man enough to meet them all and for only one reason. I’m starting to feel like a no one to you.
This man smashes you with his fists, and you long for him. He calls you a host of vile names and spews his filth on you text raping you again and again, and you arrange a weekend rendezvous with him.
I try to treat you with love and respect, and its me that you recoil from. It’s me that angers you. Your good to me allowing me time with you and teasing and playing. But you keep me at arms length when you allow lessor men closer. Even as lovely as you are to me I fall short for you somehow.
Its me that you manage and that you resist. That is why I say I must be the dumbest fuck in the whole world. I stay to watch you destroy yourself as you move from one mental homunculus to the next unable to draw you closer to me or draw you away from these same sorts of men.
Thank you for the beautiful text. You are of infinite value and I will always be here, I just hope that you are here and that you can be close to me. I’m glad you are getting stronger, but I love you for who you are already, what I want is not to change you or watch you but for there to be an us. If I were a success you never would have gone back to him. Forgive me if any of this hurts you. I don’t meant it to. I love you very much.
PS. I was so scared when you called. You were fucked up! It sounded like you had major brain trauma and i told you that i thought he would eventually kill you. I thought he had really damaged you. But you sound great tonight. And you were beautiful seven behind the bruises! That’s why I didn’t have any questions, I didn’t have a water bottle nearby :-)
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