So here’s what happened for me after dinner. After jumping your car, I had actually driven all the way home and when I didn’t hear from you I wondered if everything was okay. And so I went back just to make sure. When I got there I saw your car was still there and so I thought if she saw me now it would be so weird so I decided to leave again and I did, I drove away. I got to McDonald’s and said to myself this is stupid she likes you and so I turned around again and when back.
Then as I sat there I over thought it all again, and I thought fuck that she said she was going to go in and that she would call me in a few minutes when she came back out and so that’s what she would do and so I waited. So I sat there and waited and then a time came when I thought, well she must not be coming out now and then I felt kind of stupid. Not because of you but because of me. I felt like a troll sitting there waiting for someone unsuspecting.
I sat there I just tore myself apart. Altogether with the drive home and back it’d been half an hour. And I told myself she went back in to hang out without you. I was at war with myself wondering if I should stay or if I should go. And I just beat myself up. I said to myself: what the fuck are you doing sitting here waiting for her if she wanted to be with you right now she would be with you right now. And then: What the fuck you doing stealing her time from her, she doesn’t need you and she could fill her live with 1000 other men just like you if you weren’t always feeling her time up with you.
I said to myself, you need to leave her alone, you don’t need to be fucking up her life, if she likes you or not she doesn’t need you. And I told myself she’s in there having fun and the last thing she need to see you out here when she comes out is you and if she needed someone else to help jump her car she could find a dozen people to help her. The truth is that for me it was a pretty thin excuse just to see you one more time anyway.
I told myself that if she isn’t calling and she stayed whatever she’s doing it’s none of your business and it was nice of her to spend an hour with you at all. Then I felt like I had stolen that time from you and that I have been selfish. I didn’t know what to think I felt a little bit like a charity case because you didn’t need to give me any of time at all when you actually do wanted to be in doing something else. And I resolved just to leave you alone rather than to continue to tie up your time and your attention.
Then I thought to myself enough time to pass that if she comes out now and she sees you just sitting here you’re going to look like a stocker instead of like someone who just came back to make sure she was okay. So I backed up and pulled away and as I did I told myself again, what the hell is wrong with you she’s your friend and she’d like to see you soon. As I pulled away I could see someone walking out in the shadows but I didn’t know it was you I could just see that it was someone. So I decided to pull around and stop again and reconsider whether or not to go sit and wait again Then when I saw the lights come on in your car I realize that it was you, and then I felt stupid. I know I was within 20 feet of you and didn’t recognize you in the darker but you clearly would’ve seen me and I must have looked so fucking stupid.
I knew it could only look like one thing and that was that I was there stocking you somehow and immediately I felt stupid again thinking to myself what are you doing in this woman’s life. I was so happy when you called and chatted me up a little bit. Like always you made me feel like everything was okay.
So… That’s what led me to ask you last night if you ever miss me. You’re kind enough and grown-up enough just to hang out with somebody like me and to be wonderful with them and it’s the sort of thing that somebody like me so I could so easily misunderstand. And that’s something I wrestle with all of the time trying to understand does she feel the same way that I do or am I just misunderstanding everything because she is so kind and so beautiful and because I am so stupid. I’m so last night when I ask you if you ever miss me and you replied ” I miss you all the time you big baby”. Man that made me happy.
I love you Sweet Peaches.