My Catnip If this is you please don’t read this. This is not where you and I are right now and I don’t want you to read this because it is painful and old and from a place much different than were we are now. I love you all of this has changed.
I wrote this email a couple of years ago and never sent it. I was in so much pain I could t stop writing. I really wanted to send it but in the end I knew it would hurt her so I didn’t even though I was in great pain. I’ve changed the names and a few other things to protect us. I have to delete this from my email and I don’t want to lose it. It’s old but here it is just as I wrote it in draft form……….
Spoiler alert. This is so long I thought you might not read it, so I will tell you up front it’s about me killing myself the year after you married and about us. Mainly its about you driving me crazy.
At lunch at the Taphouse when I said I had something I would tell you after we made love, this is it. Im scared that this has the power to change our relationship but I though that if I had made love to you our relationship would have bonded a very special way and that it would endure this.
I love you and hope this does not come across wrong, but I have to put it in perspective and that perspective is mine and I admit that I dont what you to think Im accusing you of anything. But I cant just tell you what happened without the context that drove me.
I know exactly the type of pain you are going through because I felt a pain so exquisite that I killed myself to be free from it. None of this is what I wanted to talk to you about yesterday but I want you to know that have felt the type of pain your in.
At times I’ve regretted telling you that I wanted to make love to you because it changed our relationship for a while. For a time after that the old Catnip who flirted and played was gone and replaced by the one who was careful and tentative around me. A Catnip who seemed to me to be seeing me as a courtesy to an old friend but one whom she had to be careful around. It confused me a lot as you will maybe understand better after this email. Maybe not because Ive made you mad before without intending to.
You had told me about someone being frank with you about what they wanted and that you appreciated there honesty. And you had asked me what I wanted from you. I had been in love with you for a long time without ever putting into words what I felt and it was killing me.
I know I was a sounding board for you and that you considered me “safe”. But that is not always who we were, It is who you needed and show I became for you. It changed when you were married and having problems and then again the very day after you saw “The Asshole”. During those times you were guarded and careful. For a long time you were a shameless flirt and I flirted back and loved it. Eventually while you were single I felt like I was chickenshit because I keep seeing you and not being honest. Im sorry it hurt you but since then I have been able to be more honest than before, But I am still safe, I still love you that same way.
I do understand your sadness little girl. For a lot of reasons. And I love love love you very much and It saddens me to see you so sad. Im sure you will hate me after this letter, but I need to write it. Its odd too because almost none of this is what I wanted to talk with you about the Friday ambushed you. If you dont hate me after this maybe we will talk brecause soon I will I leave for Germany.
Once when you were sitting in my truck I asked you to run away with me. I though I was being playful, but it bothered you. So I sent an email saying I was sorry and you said that sometimes I say “something that makes me feel like this innocent but powerful relationship is something different from what I understand it to be” I didnt respond but I was suprised that you called it innocent. Nothing physical had happened but I didnt see it as innocent.
You;ve since said you don’t remember, but your use to tease me and flirt in the most sexually tantalizing ways. You told me you found older men attractive then later told me you found me attractive. Then you would stop near my desk and twist your torso and hold you ass and ask if you ass looked good in these pants, Then later you changed and you’d hold your ass with your hand and ask if you had pantie lines and when Id say no you’d say thats cause Im not wearing any panties and smile or thats because Im wearing a thong. And when I use to tell you that you had a cute ass you would txt me and say you loved it when I’d tell you you have a cute ass, You use to tell me you had great sex last night but your jaw hurts or that you had a great night but Aarons Jaws must be pretty tired. I loved it. But every time you said that I though of my face on your pussy, or of my cock in the back of your mouth, and I thought that’s what you wanted me to think.
You told me about sexual encounters other than Your Soon to be husband and I though you did it to peak my interest, I loved how you flirted with me I loved asking you when we were at work what color thong you were wearing because, you’d show me! You would pull down you pants and show me. Sometimes if no one was around you’d pull down you pants and pull up your thong hard, putting tension on it and on your pussy! You were the sexiest little thing I had even encountered. Sometimes you’d tell me when you would trim your pussy. And one day when you said it, I said, “sure you did”, and while you were sitting at the desk you turned and faced me with your back blocking the tellers you pulled the front of your pants and your panties down as low as you could , low enough to show the top of your pussy where the flesh divided and you said something about how my feet would show out the front of your desk. You blushed just a little, but it was the the sexiest thing anyone had ever done to me, And believe me I wanted to fuck you right then. I though of taking you to the safety deposit viewing room and fucking you right then. And I still wonder if you would have fucked me if I had tried. Maybe your state of mind was different then I dont know. But what else would I have thought of. You use to get up and say you were going on break the walk over to me as run you finger along my shoulders and whisper in my ear that you’d be back on the couch, all alone and you’d grin that sexy little grin and you would brush your lips against my ear and with the hand that was away from the tellers you would touch my neck, and I imagained fucking you in that break room. You told me you loved wearing shirts that showed me your titties because you liked knowing I was looking at them. I’d txt you and ask how you were doing and you’d respond with you panty colors, black, or pink or whatever. I loved playing with you and I thought it meant something. You were the most over the line flirt I had ever met and I loved the interaction as I love it still.
I thought many times that you wanted to make love to me. But each time you did something amazing, I had some insipid response compared to what you had just done. Maybe that made me see safe, that i never tried to pull the trigger, I don’t know. Once when you were with a customer and old woman, I txted you and asked if my mouth was on your pussy where were my hands be and you txted a replyed, “On my titties” then you txted that your titties liked it rough. You said you liked sucking cock and that you were a giver. Once after that I said Id like to try that on my titties thing and you said, my favorite is cowgirl style because you were a giver. You told me a ton of stuff about sex and fucking and you you said you liked it and that you were great at it. You said a lot of shit. You showed me a peek of a picture of you naked wearing tall white socks like you wear in highschool PE and said I couldn’t have it because it was naughty but you showed me and said, You like it don’t you and you demurred as if it was nothing and gave me a smile that my my cock hard for an hour.
But these things are not that bind you to me. You know from my letters all the little things that I feel for you. And there were so many things that I thought were special between us, or at least I thought so. It drives me fucking mad. If all those things mean nothing then I dont understand anything. There have been so many moments where it felt like we connected. I will never believe that you don’t love me and I will always believe that you want to be in my arms. I have seen it in your eyes and have heard it in your voice. Your smile when you use to see me was magical You laugh when were together. You miss me, and you need me. And I’ve seen you melt into my hug before. Ive seen you looking at me with tenderness in your eyes. You know I love you, and If I let myself I will just write this over and over. I want to be your lover but it’s so much more. Imagine how it would be to just be at ease about every kindness I want to share with you. I hope you can see how frustrated I am and why. In not just some guy trying to get in your pants. I love you and I though you loved me. But do you know what I want the very most between us. Just complete honesty. I want you to admit that you love me and to let me love you to hold you. I don’t care what label that attaches to us. I’ve never know anyone who needed to be loved more. I’ve wanted to grab you and hold you until make you let me hold you until you allowed yourself to be loved, but I wont.
After you left Where we worked to test a relationship with a man down town our relationship changed, It took a few months you stopped texting me, stopped returning my calls, stopped responding to emails, everything. It was hard for me because you use to love it. And when you stopped contacting me It was very hard. Then I wondered if the reason you stopped calling or txting me was because you found me a coward or a bore or whatever, because with all your teasing I didn’t try to make love to you and so you moved on and left me alone since I was all talk, or whatever you thought, I didn’t know. But I always wanted you and I always felt like I was odd for denying myself time with you.
I weep a hundred times over the next year after you stopped playing and I felt like a fool and a coward. Maybe you remember a phone call to your cell phone while you were in Chicago where I was coming a little unglued. You called me back and told me to calm down and that you would give me a call. You didn’t call again, but the first call saved my life that night. I thought it was kind. It was a miracle for me actually. It saved me that night because I was so nuts I was ready that night to kill myself. Every time I ever speak with you it is wonderful and it was then. You made me feel like I was of great value to you that night, that you would call me knowing I was suffering. You said you would call me back the next day, But you didn’t and I didn’t want to call and beg. I wondered what the fuck was wrong with me and it seemed obvious to me that I had become work for you. So I stopped trying to contact you and I didn’t hear from you again until… you told me you were getting married. Then I got a flurry of txt and emails because the boy had asked you to merry him you were giddy and so charming and so in love and you invited me to your wedding. I went because I wanted to see you one more time and to be supportive, but I though that would be the last time I’d ever see you.
Then on your wedding day as i was leaving you asked me if I was staying to eat and were were not and you said to wait a minute or two and then you made time and came to me and we hugged. It felt to me like we connected again and do you remember what you whispered to me? You said “I’ll call you” you did so very quietly and privately which again made me happy because it seemed that even though you were getting married you wanted to keep me and our relationship I had never felt the way I felt right then. And so I looked forward to hearing from you. But then you didn’t call not a single time. I didn’t hear from you for seven months not a single response to a text or email in seven months. In addition to emails and letters I txted you 31 times that you didn’t respond to. I weep over and over and longed for you, just to hear from you, I decided that you had just fucked with me. that I had just been a toy to you. I actually though that you had whispered “I’ll call you’ just to fuck with me one last time, Kind of as a cruel joke. I felt stupid and lonely and I didnt want to wake up one more day with hearing from you. So eventually, I txted you and simply said “please call me” but you didnt.
Feeling like your mourning someone who has died – I understand that. I went through agony that day and that night and though you were gone from me forever. I didnt sleep, I weep all night and In the moring I decided I did not want to go through any of that anymore, and I didnt want to live if I could not see you, so I tried to kill myself.
Technically I did kill myself. My wife had gotten rid of all my guns by then I had been depressed a long time and she was concerned. So I went out and bought a gun. I went home sat on a 5 gallon bucket in my shower turned the shower on to contain the mess and sat in the shower and tried to kill myself, Id put the gun in my mouth and start to pull the trigger and just as I thought it was about to go off, Id stop. I tried over and over and over but couldn’t do it. Eventually the water ran cold and I was shivering and I realized I wasnt going to be able to do it. Its hard to explain because its stupid to think of now. but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want my family to find me there naked and dead in the shower and I feared being disfigured and living.
So I left the gun on the bed, got dressed and flew to San Francisco. I didnt tell anyone, I just left. I went to the warf where I took a picture of the San Francisco wharf sign and I sent to you and waited to see if youd respond and I waited until late that night, i sat there on the wharf until i almost froze to death, You didnt. I bought sharp thin bladed knife and I went the hotel and I cut the basilar artery in my armpit. And I started to bleed out and I died in just a few minutes. I passed out in maybe 10 of 15 seconds after I cut myself and remember being surprised at how quickly It happened and by how much blood there was, thats all I remembered.
Through a series of miracles I was discovered immediately, within seconds of passing out actually. Even so I should have died before they could even treat me, but I didn’t. There was a whole series of miracles that happened. They told me I was dead and that they pumped me full of plasma until i got to the hospital and had a transfusion and I they revived me. I have always though I lived because I was suppose to see you again. While I was in the hospital I “sanctioned” for creating a public nuscience which is a nice way of saying I was institutionalized. They keep me in the hospital for almost a week and with my hand manacled to the bed,
Anyway I was in SF General for 7 days before I was released. I chewed over these things again and again as I lay there handcuffed to the bed in SF. I though I was denying myself the sweetest gifts from a woman that I was in love with and I questioned myself and my courage because I though you were very brave to make such direct advances and that for all my talk I didn’t even have the to courage to do anything about it when I wanted you so badly. And it wasn’t just at the bank, you continued to flirt with me and I continued to do nothing. I thought of you and I though of making love to you. No one knew where I was for 3 days and as I lay there I questioned my whole life. I thought I was a fool because I wanted to make love to you and I didn’t. I decide that If I ever got the chance again that I would and that if felt wrong then I would stop. I decided that I would live rather than die. I didnt think I would ever really see you again. But I decided that if I did that that I would never do anything to lose you again and that I would make love to you if I ever got a chance. But then when I got to see you again, you had changed.
We had no kids at home and I simply left without telling anyone, which I regret along with many other things. My wife found out on the 3rd day and she flew to SF the next. I was released and the “sanction” was lifted after I agreed to pay for new carpet and the damage in the hotel etc. and I came home. But she knew that I spend the nights weeping for months. She knows that I care for someone else. She’s seen my poetry online and knows that she does not have hazel green eyes. But when I disappeared and she found out what had happened it hurt her deeply. But she had never said anything. I know that I am married and I know that I am suppose to behave differently, I dont want to hurt anyone, but I love you and wont deny that or ignore it again.
But from that day I was changed. All the women who knew me, wonder what the fuck happened to me because I’m different I don’t flirt with the women I know or work with. I don’t even talk to most of them. The women at my work know nothing about me and think I’m boring. For now I just can’t risk going through what I went though because of how I fell for you. For years flirting hurt no one but now it has and so I dont talk to them or anyone. Even though you are the only one I have only ever connected emotionally at work I dont risk it any more. I am careful. Because I fell in love with you and it changed me forever.
Two months after San Francisco you said hi to me at P.F Changs, Then about a months later, you called. I almost swooned just to hear your voice and then just as if nothing had ever happened, I was seeing you again. A few weeks later when I asked you why you came back you said “sometimes people make mistakes” and “Friends forgive each other.” I understood that. I was happy to see you again, beyond my ability to describe. But it also told me that your not calling me was intentional, that you had decided not to call and that you had dropped me from you life and that now you had come back. I dont know any of the whys but I was glad you were back. Anyway, I toyed with the idea of not seeing you. I tried to hate you. I told myself you were a bitch and that you were using me. Lots , but you seemed to need me and I was still in love with you. But I didn’t want to suffer again, I didn’t want to go through what I went through again. I tried to hate you, I tried to force myself to forget you, to ignore your call, but I can not..
This will sound mean, but I don’t believe that your not attracted to me. I won’t ever believe that you don’t want to share those wonderful intimacies with me. It makes me feel bad mainly because if we were lovers now, I think it would be like it was when we first met where we could share anything and I think it would bring peace to you.
Our relationship changed though the years, I think, because your life has changed. You were single and flirted, you were married you flirted less, you were unhappy, you were divorced, you were lonely, you were involved, you were hurt, you are healing. During each of these times you acted differently towards me which I understand. but back then you flirted.
In the beginning you flirted with me, then you stopped and you left, then you were married and you needed me as a friend and flirted less, but love me, Then as you hurt following the divorce you needed me more, but as I expressed more interested in you, you started backing off, and now you are having to play defense with me. I think its both our faults. You flirted with me and I was interested. Maybe that’s not fun for you anymore, but I want you back. I want the sexy, fun hot little flirt that use to run her finger along my shoulders in the middle of the day to get my attention. I want to make love to you not just because of what you mean to me but because I want to be someone whom you need, who you want again.
I don’t understand why you will not. Its one of the things we misunderstand about each other and that I think you may misunderstand about men. Because I clearly don’t know why you wont make love to me. I want to say this in the most loving way I can, because I love you very much but I have no desire to hurt you at all. But If I don’t say this or it will remain unsaid and unresolved to me. Not that I think it will resolve anything. To me you draw curious lines when it comes to intimacy. I wonder why you will make love to a man you are not married to, but you will not make love to me, someone whom you love and who loves you dearly. I’ve often wondered if we would be lovers now if I was single. If each time when you come back to me if we would have make love to each other. And I wonder why you came back at all. I know you love me but I feel Im waiting for the other shoe to fall and waiting fo you to leave again because I dont know why you left, why you came back, and who I am to you. Youve told me several times you will explain who I am to you, “In Time” but months go by and I wonder if you simply need me now and when the time comes that you dont need me, you will explain who I was, and leave again.
But to me it’s like being a little pregnant, there is no such thing, your PG or your not, your cheating or your not. When it comes to you I am unfaithful to her. Writing you love letters or poetry is just as unfaithful. Theres no other way to say it. And I dont understand you. Because you want to see me, you still tease, you still want my attention, but you wont accept it. And so I don’t understand why you won’t make love to me. Maybe we believe differently or maybe you have some other objection, but I would never regret making love to you and will never cease to want to make love to you. And so I am going to either hurt you or me, over and over again not because I want to hurt you but because if I continue to see you it is not possible to do without wanting you and being frustrated. And it will keep hurting you because you can’t have what you want either. Which is either a lover you refuse to admit to wanting, or simply a friend who writes you love letters and who flirts with you and who you flirt with but who is not emotionally connected to any of it. I don’t want to hurt or hurt you. And what really sucks is that the sex isn’t even that important to me. It isn’t important at all. The trust and ease together is what would be so nice. We use to be able to flirt and tease. But since the day on that green bench, I have been a pariah of some kind that needs to be managed. In a way I guess it was inevitable because everything I though about you from the beginning was wrong, and I knew better. I feel like a dumb fuck and as I have heard you say many times “Its not fair”. I guess I look at it this way, in the end I got a trip to San Francisco and pretty cool scar Id show you if you need to see it.
I love you. I am still your friend because I am powerless to stop myself. I will always hurt for you and long to be your lover. I want to say its all my fault, and I’m truly sorry, but you love me and I wont believe anything except that. I know I should be polite and quietly distance myself from you and ease out of your life. If I though you didnt love me I would. But you do love me. Even in my dreams I know Im an idiot. I didnt even know how much love i was capable of until I met you but it turns out that I had searched for someone life you my whole life. I loved completly, someone who loved me back, someone who is kind and tender and loving. How can I walk away from that.
None of this is was I wanted to talk to you about, but I though I should tell you.
Love “The Prince”
I understand who I am and what I am. But I am still a good person and I’m at peace with that. I know all of this is from my perspective and I’ll say that up front. This email is about the worst day of my life and how it ties into who I am and to you. I question the wisdom in telling you but I’m sure I need to tell you about it, Even if it leads something like the two of us being done as friends.
A few month ago you said that I must not have very much faith in you, but it’s the opposite of that. It’s me that I lack faith in, not you. You don’t love me as I love you. So its easier for you. You have stepped away from me before and so to stand back for a few months would be an easy thing for you. But I can’t do that, I don’t see you as just a friend. And I’m scared because I never played with you or your emotions. You were never a game to me that became to complex or to boring or to something to play. I have been that to you Every word and action I took was because I wanted to be closer to you or kinder or to help you in some way. But in truth what I think is that you were just playing with me and I fell in love while you were doing something that you though was innocent. So this email will make me look like an ass and It will hurt our friendship. And I want to spend decades being close to you and caring for you. But I fear that you are not going to be able to allow it.
I asked you a couple of months ago who I was to you and you said that I don’t get to know who I am to you. I think that’s unfair. But maybe you say that to protect me or keep me around, I don’t know. I cant write this without putting it in context so forgive me if it hurts you or it I’m seem totally fucked up, because I am. For a long time I was not totally forthright when it came to how I felt. But now I am. For along time you needed me to listen and so I did. But after telling you how I feel, I can not go back and uncross that bridge. I know a lot of this goes over old ground but to get to me killing myself it has to have some context so I hope you will understand why given how our friendship developed after you called me again after you had been married a while. And while you were hiding from me.
I didn’t know exactly who I was to you, but I know who you were to me. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you and this is not something that I do. I think you know that. I know that changed with Laurie and I wish you would open up about that because you have brought it up every time I have seen you since. Which is fine, but I think theres more there that you wont talk about. But still, I am not a womanizer. You were the woman I was ready to give risk everything for a relationship with. Someone who I thought loved me as I did you. I know things don’t just happen, but I never intended to pursue and fall in love with you. But I did. I though we would end up making love and caring for each other when life was hard, and for a long time. I was ready to share a wonderful part of my life with you. It was very hard because I was not suppose to love you. I know that. But I did and I have given you absolute power over my life. You could destroy me simply by forwarding this email or in a hundred other ways.