Every time we speak its a bit of a minefield. I hate that fucker and the others as well, those men who have hurt you so deeply that it also hurts us by proxy. I would never hurt you by choice, but I sometimes hurt you by accident and when I do it is also painful for me as well.
I was teasing you about something simple and innocent. A year ago I had to leave you for a couple of months and you had forgotten the dates. In jest I called you a nut and you exploded a little bit. You had an outburst and shouted for me not to call you a nut. I didn’t say anything for a few moments. I didn’t know if you were teasing me or not. But you were not teasing me. You were hurt. You said you were tired of everyone criticizing you for not remembering things this past year and that you had had a traumatic year and you were sick of it.
I know you had a hard year. I was there every step of the way. I saw the pain. I’m sorry my comments hurt you, but they were innocent and in a different context would not have cause you the least bit of discomfort, cut there association with the comments from others in that context hurt you. I’m sorry.
I hate what they did to you. That hey hurt you is bad enough. But what they did to you since of peace and your happiness is more alarming to me. I try to be so tender and loving to you and still at times I am still just another man with a penis to you, making me the enemy. It hurts to see you suffer so.
So I am asking that on those occasions you take a moment to separate me from the hurd because I have never hurt you, never used you, never!
My only fear is losing you and there are two ways that could happen. The first while painful could happened in any relationship and that would be to screw up and damage our personal relationship through some action of my own. In that case you losing you would suck but it would be something I could at least understand. The second if the way I fear the most. I don’t want to kicked out of your life because I was part of those around you during that difficult year when so much went wrong. It is not like you to flush everyone and start over just because its easier. But this this year has been unlike any other for you and I have been there at every painful junction.
I love you and I was there the day after he hit you. I have you the bad news over and over every time he hurt you, dozens of times. I was there when you decided you were done with “the boy” then when you took him back because you need his security. Then he hurt you and you had to endure him because having him there was better than being alone even though it was super hard for you and each call I made put you at risk for his anger. The when I became the focal point for him anger, I was there. I have been there through so much of your pain. But I don’t want you to see me as the reason, when I am the one you love, and when I love you so dearly.
I’ve lost a great deal this year as well. I lost two long term relationship this year, not because of you… but because I love you and because I wont give you up either, just as you refused to give me up. I love and adore you and hope to be the one to embrace you once you have come through all that you are going through.
I love you very much…. if you have a free minute I hope you’ll call.