Yesterday was such a painful day for me. We went to lunch at the Great Wall and had Chinese and you were charming of course. But our conversation was so artificial, we had already said everything once.
I miss you!
When Can I see you again!
How are you? I’m fine. How are you? I’m fine.
It was all perfectly lovely but so banal. That’s not what I want in our relationship at all. We speak sometimes in this quiet chickenshit code because the truth and the distance between us is sometimes painful to cross. With all of the crap your having to go through with that asshole that tried to kill you I am careful not to add to your pain because you have so much of your own already.
I never intend to hurt you. But yesterday I did. I hurt you. Not because I wanted to, its the last thing I ever want. In fact I didn’t know it would hurt you at all. If I knew in advance it would hurt you I wouldn’t have said a word. But none the less I hurt you.
We spoke about the silence and the pain of it all. I spoke about how hard it is not to hear from you and you spoke about how I need to trust in the fact that you love me. Even those things are shallow and we didn’t talk long because I didn’t want to see you hurting. But in protecting you, I hurt me. I cant imagine what you must go through or the fear you have to endure. All I know is that I miss you and that I need you. Its only been a short while since he attacked you. But its been a lifetime since I fell in love with you hoping you would one day fall in love with me.
I’m happy beyond words to know that you do love me, and I will never stop or falter in that. It took you 9 years to catch up to me in loving me. A time that seemed forever and yet is also so worth it that I will continue to love you as you heal and get through this. Just know that on occasion I will need to know that as you are sorting out your life and dealing with the pain, that you still love me. You tell me every day you love me and I hear it. But on occasion I want to feel it as well.
I love you Catnip