December sucked until Christmas day. Up until then I was making plans to take a contract over seas because I was sure you had left me. I don’t think you know it but you gave me something for Christmas that was wonderful. You sent me a text that said “I love you. And miss u too, and always feel like I continue to let you know?” It was the question mark that told me. Your text was in response to a text from me that said “thank you for remaining my friend, I love you” I though we were done.
Up until that text I thought you had left me. I thought you were trying to distance me from you!… My answer was cryptic I guess because I didn’t know what to say. I said “I love that you love me” but I didn’t tell you the truth, which is No you were not continuing to let me know. Your actions spoke so much louder than your words a simple I love you as a goodbye sounded like it did 6 years ago. December was the hardest month I’d had in a long time.
In my mind you had left me. I had returned from Europe to find you gone and not able to see you. Your calls to me in December were not social calls, they were tasking first and a social how are you doing at the end. They were call to have me do things for you. You didn’t need me. I went from being the one you needed before I went to Europe, to the one that you needed to take care of your admin when I returned.
When you spoke of your boyfriend you spoke of a couple of weekends you had spent away with him and it cut me to the bone. You had been with him for about 3 weeks or so and you were planning “another” weekend to “Just get away from it all.” You spoke about how much he loved your breasts and about the weekend at the hot springs. You spoke about several things you had done with him that you said so casually that it seems like it was nothing to you, just something you did with the boy. But these were all things you deny me and give him so casually. Not only that but you didn’t call anymore. You didn’t call me on the way home from work. I didn’t get to come over and see you at night, or on the weekends. You didn’t need me to mow your grass or check on the dog or pick something up from the house to bring to your work so the things you needed from me were perfunctory. It seemed to me that you didn’t want to see me so I stayed away and wondered if I was just a stupid gullible fuck.
You told me that you will never give me up and that he is jealous and I know he is. You said you love me more than him and that he knows you will never give me up. But for the security you need from him you seem to give him everything as you set me aside.
If you have to ask if you are continuing to let someone know you love them then the answer is no. Love is something you lavish on the person you love. Not something you have to ask about the see if you are meeting a quota.
It’s been a couple of months now and I still don’t know what the fuck is going on except that I know I love you and that you love me. Since that Christmas text and many others since I understand it better. Sometimes I find myself questioning if I am just the nice guy that cares for you and that you let care for you. I hope I am more than that. I know I am more than that. You tell me I am more than that, but can you see how it has been hard for me? The hardest part is that I do love you and I know you love me and we can not be together.
I feel like a stupid fucker even posting this because I know there is so much more going on that I can put here and I’m not stupid. I weight this out in my mind all the time. With the trial and you safety and the need you have for someone to be there, I get it. I see all the sacrifices you make to keep me, the trouble you get in, the way you have to hide, or play down what’s real, I see it I love it and I’m grateful. We had a hard month or two but several thing you said brought me back. Like when you said “I Love you and I’m not stopping” Thank you so much. Your words eventually out spoke your actions and they were very important to me. It was a hard and bitter couple of months for me to get well again and to see all those things again. I love you and I’m not going anywhere either.