Our conversation get all fucked up today. I just tried to tell you that I’m ok. It will hurt like fuck if you have to leave me, but I will be ok. I don’t want it and I’m not saying I think you want it or that you’d leaving me but it’s not on you to worry about me.
I know I have been chasing you for a long time. All of that time I’ve thought you were interested in the chase. While we have never been a couple we have been friends forever and shared a million wonderful memories and your friendship means a lot to me.
Yes, there was a time I didn’t want to live and tried to kill myself rather than be without you. But that was not just me either. You played with me on purpose and cast me aside and it hurt me, but you have also healed me.
I’ve told you I love you and need you and that I can’t live without you so many times through the years I wonder if it’s become a burden to you, if that makes any sense at all. I mean all those things in the purest form of the spirit they were said in. I’ve said it at least a hundred times in letters as if it was just said into the wind not even knowing if you ever read them.
But now I know you read them and that you are real, that the words reach you and that you feel them. I’ve “caught you” so to speak. I know you love me and that you care. I want to see you and share those magical moments that we always share together. To see you blossom is remarkable because I see it happening right before me and it inspires me. I like sharing that with you, but not if it comes at to great a cost you.
I don’t want to lose you or one ounce of what we have. But it’s not fair of me to keep saying “I can’t live without you” etc. If it’s become like something that I keep putting on you. Specially if you don’t want it, and that’s not accusing you of not wanting it’s, just saying that I want your happiness and that I will be ok?
You said right now your tired of the maintenance people require, not of me, but of everything at the moment, which includes me. Ok. In truth I don’t want to keep feeding a relationship if It is just one sided. If I’m someone you must respond to or someone you have to call back instead of someone you want to text or call, then I don’t want that either. For a long time especially after “the Asshole” attacked you, you needed me every hour, then later every day, now less. If I miss understood some of the intimate moments that came with that, I’m sorry.
I am still here, and I will stay here it’s been 10 years what’s a few more while you sort through your life. Besides I like you. And when all of the clouds clear I hope I can remain.