Dear Ms. Anneliese
I enjoyed lunch with you. It was nice to talk a little more openly about us. Maybe I’m a coward but I had always kind of avoided that, thinking you wouldn’t want to. That was stupid of me. Talking about us was so nice, I learned a lot about how you feel about me and us and all of it was comforting and warm.
It also made me think of many of the things I’ve said to you and how I must seem to you at times and I want to write about one point in particular.
I have said there is no one that I love more than you and that you are the most important person in my life. And I’ve said I will never sacrifice you for anyone. Your response was that your still trying to wrap your head around that.
I’m not sure what you means, but It seems there are two possible thoughts you could have. One is that you have a hard time believing that you are worth that. The second is that I’m married to someone else and so it must not be true.
The first is about your self-doubt. Your wonderful and I blame many people for your inability to clearly see how wonderful you are, family and ex-boyfriends and that hurts my heart every time I see it, because I love you so much. The only thing I can really do about that is to keep on loving you no matter what and no matter how long it takes, and I will prove that by being here. So now the Second.
Yes I’m married and my feelings for her have not changed. But my feelings for you have increased beyond those that I have for her. Call me a selfish asshole, fine. But you love me to in spite of your intention and with a clear goal of not loving a married man. I wrote about this some in post called Thoughts on why I Cheat.
But the bottom line is that I love you more. When I met you I was married and I should not have pursued you on any level. But I did. I fell in love with you and I can’t deny that and I won’t. If I were a single man I doubt you would question how I feel about you because it would be even clearer to you.
I don’t want to hurt you, or her, or anyone else, and I don’t intend to. But none of those things change how I feel about you. It is not a competition and I don’t compare the two of you, you are both different in many ways. But if I were forced to make a choice I would not lose you. I won’t lose you if it’s is up to me.
I will never let anyone, including her, take me away from you. That decision is mine alone. You could stop me from seeing you, but no one else besides me can impact how I respond to you. How can that be or how could I stop that if something were to happen? If something were to happen and anyone tried to take me from you, make me stop or whatever I’m sure I would be powerless to change very much about them. I’m sure it would not be easy and may be very painful for many people. But the absolute end of it is that I make that decision. I decide if I let go of you or stop seeing you or whatever, and I will never decide to do that. And I have no doubt about how much I love you or how long I will love you. I will love you forever and beyond and without pause or question, no matter what. Even you cannot stop that.
I read an interesting quote today by, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr: A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions”. That’s exactly true when it comes to you and me. I cannot go back, and I don’t want to.
- The choice between loving someone and being in love (zamasboxblog.wordpress.com)
- What Love Should Feel Like (olawunmiadekunle.wordpress.com)
- Still Miss Him (iandloveandblog.wordpress.com)
- A Single Man by Christopher Isherwood (literaryhub.wordpress.com)
- The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera (randombookmuses.wordpress.com)