I’m sure you must know that I still go a little crazy now and then Missing you. This is one of those times. I’ve missed you since Friday morning when last we spoke.
Do you remember Thursday? How you checked your texts every 15 minutes all day and you said you understood how “the Asshole” and I felt waiting to hear from you returning a text. Well that’s how I felt Friday and today Saturday 13 July.
Many 15 minutes have passed since yesterday Friday morning when we last spoke and when you said you would text me and call me when you were don’t at the hospital.
Days like today I torture myself and wonder if you will ever call again. I know that’s completely irrational especially since I know you love me and since you said you wont leave me again.
But every now and then I hear that voice come to me worrying if she will call again, and the noise in the background adds “Ever.” Will she “ever” call me again, because that’s how it has gone in the past when I’ve lost you, and I’m scared. No goodbye or whatever, you fade away and then your just gone. I know that’s not what’s happening, but then I’m crazy. So it’s been a hard weekend and so far it’s only Saturday.
I know that sucks to say because you are a person of your word and you have shown me you love me and you let me into your life. Please do be offended, just know that it is me that is all fucked up and that I love you.
I know you suck at using your phone on the weekends, but I thought you might eventually think of me and of telling me how it went. I know your weekend could be sucking right now, and that what’s going on is a big thing and I’m sorry for that. But I miss you and I hurt, I’m sorry. Whatever’s going on this is not the weekend you needed or wanted. You are spread thin and I’m sorry.
But that’s not what’s killing me. What’s killing me is wondering if you’ve made love to him and you’re not coming back to me. If I had not seen you in two weeks and I lived with you on some level and was going through what he is going through, then had a fight followed by an emotionally draining day, I would want to make love to you. I don’t even care about that, but I wonder two things: Are you gone again, and what’s wrong with me? And I know the answer to each of these: No and Nothing. But this is about how fucked up I am.
I hoped Ito hear from you so I texted you and asked how you’re doing, it’s really just a pretext to receive some kind of touch from you. One of the wonderful things about us being closer, is that I know if you look at your phone, you will respond now. Your wonderful to me in so many ways. Plus, I know how it’s going, you’re resilient and you will be fine, even if it sucks, and I’m sure it must. Friday the last thing we spoke of was about you being scared. You wondered how it would go with the boy. You wondered if it would go well or badly. I’d guess it went well because if it went badly you would have needed me and called, but you haven’t.
So now the question I ask myself every day over and over. What’s wrong with me? Why do I put myself through this? That’s one what’s wrong with me question but it’s not the one I mean. What’s wrong with me, to you?
Do you remember Wednesday? It was a wonderful simple evening at your house. I was able to see you and we sat at the table and did nothing, messed around with the ads in the paper and watched you play with your son. At least that’s what I did, to take my mind off of kissing you, and then I left, because I wanted to touch you and hold you and kiss you and you were happy to be in my arms even for those few moments we hugged. I wanted to kiss you when you were so soft in my arms and so beautiful and unless I am just a dumb fuck that doesn’t understand anything, you were happy to be held by me. That’s what I always do, I treat you with respect, like a dumb fuck!
What does this have to do with my question, what wrong with me? You love me. You love me very much, as I do you! You don’t know how you feel about this boy. I know you care for him that’s not what I’m saying. You’ve had fun hanging out with him and you make love to him, but if needed you’re prepared say goodbye to him and there is a part of you that wants to be done with him. I have no problem with any of that. None of that is even any of my fucking business and I don’t give a rats ass. But what’s wrong with me? Why can’t you make love to me when it’s what you want? What’s wrong with me? What scares you about me? I ask myself that question all the time. I know. I can hear you. “Your a dick” ok.
I love you and I hope this doesn’t make you mad at me. I’m praying for your this weekend. Every time I check my phone I say a little prayer for you because I know this weekend is hard for you in many ways. I’m sure were both having a hard weekend.
You owe me an evening of shots, or at least a couple. That was a fucked up night wasn’t it. I’m sorry, I know it was hard on you. The last thing you said to me before he walked in the door was “fuck this lets do something fun”, but that’s not how it went. I hope I did the right thing leaving. As I stood in your kitchen I didnt know what to do and felt that standing there might make talking harder for you or him. when i walked out to th garage and you said to just wait inside I thought that might make it harder for you if I did, and I wondered if you might have thought i was coming out to check on which i wasn’t, so anyway i thoight it would be better if I left. But I would have loved to go back in and finish a toast with you. I didn’t have to go but didn’t want you hurt. Staying would have been more fun.
I look forward to seeing you Monday and I hope you text me sooner than that, my guess is that you will. If not that’s ok since I want to tie you up and put in some work spanking that sexy little ass of yours anyway. Do you have any rope?
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