I’m sorry your having a challenging day clinging to old memories and a tough day at work. That sucks. I know because I’m having a challenging day to. Not thinking of him but of you.
Last week was hard and when we spoke after not speaking for a day I didn’t know you had changed your mind and that you wanted to continue seeing me until our last conversation. Up until then I though we were working out our goodbye like when you break up with someone and have to talk to get back your old CDs and t-shirts.
So when I read your comment I took everything you said in you comment the wrong way. It wasn’t until our last few moments that I realized that you were ok. But I’m still a little fucked up and trying to understand, and I admit that’s fucked up. So here are the comments and beneath them are what I was thinking and what I am thinking at least some.
Catnip, have you ever been so scared you couldn’t face someone for fear of losing your composure, or felt so emotional that a single word whole make you weep? Have you ever felt so sick to your stomach and so worried that your hands shake? I thought of may things after seeing you that night and I am still processing them. To hear you say we don’t have a relationship cute me to the quick. Now as some time has passed I have let it go emotionally at least for a bit, at least now I can talk without crying. If you can understand this then you’ll understand why I couldn’t talk. I’m sorry you felt hurt that I didn’t call. I never mean for you to feel that way. I love you.
I didn’t mean to cut you to the quick…and I am sorry for my hasty stressed words. There are moments between you and I where I have to face reality between you and I. I know you go through these at times as well. I have spread myself so thin, I know you know this, and you are a selfishness in which I do draw strength, I know you know this as well. You write about me, you have an outlet, an audience if you will, and you do get time with me. You were successful to say the least at having me thing of what it would be like to have one day without you….I love you too…and I love at this very moment you are waiting for there to be a response to this post………
Remember that I basically though you had told me that we don’t have a relationship so that’s how I read this even though we had spoken and you told me you did want to continue building our relationship . It was hard to hear because in the previous two weeks we had seen each other in the mornings, but we only want to lunch once because your work and I wondered if you were trying to distance me anyway. I was still trying to put it all together.
I didn’t mean to cut you to the quick…and I am sorry for my hasty stressed words. Thank you.
From this “There are moments between you and I where I have to face reality between you and I. I know you go through these at times as well.” I said There are two possible outcomes to the reality. We give up on each other so we say goodbye at some level, OR we care for each other knowing that it will have challenges and we work together on them. You didn’t reply.
“I have spread myself so thin” I’m sorry for this and I’m sorry if I make things worse for you instead of better. This feels more like an aside instead of a comment to me, but I know its true and I see the challenges you work with and my heart breaks for you.
From this “I know you go through these at times as well.” Yes I do, but I think its different for us. My reality is that I will not sacrifice you or our relationship for ANYTHING. Not for family, or friends or anyone. I’m a grown man and I decided that I want you in my life. That’s one part of my reality, the other is that I try to think about YOU and what this does to you. IF you ever see me backing off or giving you room that is not because I want it, its because you are telling me you need space. What I NEVER think is that someday you and I will have to say goodbye and so we might as well face that reality. I NEVER fucking think of that I won’t. I tried to kill myself to get over you and as I lay there, not dead, I decided I would not let you go no matter what anyone ELSE said. I will burn everything from her to the ocean down before I think that I don’t need you.
You write about me, you have an outlet, an audience if you will, and you do get time with me.I do write about you but its a poor outlet, I don’t write to an audience, I write to keep from going crazy and I write to you. If you need an audience, please write me! I’m dying to hear from you, don’t pretend I have an outlet that you do not also have. And yes I do get time with you and it is all very precious to me. But to me its not time you give me, its time we share, I’m not a thief.
So given my state this is the part that confused me and also gave me such hope and made me so happy. You were successful to say the least at having me thing of what it would be like to have one day without you….I love you too…and I love at this very moment you are waiting for there to be a response to this post………” I read this part of your comment over an over this weekend and it gave me hope. I didn’t mean to be successful at anything. That day, the day we didn’t talk, was the worst fucking day of my life since the day I tried to kill myself. I don’t want to spend any time with you to prove anything to anyone. That’s stupid, apparently I’m capable of being that stupid because that’s what you though, but it was hell for me. That what you should take from my comment.
“have you ever been so scared you couldn’t face someone …, or felt so emotional that …you weep… felt so sick to your stomach… worried … hands shake … cute to the quick. … I love you.
So I look forward to seeing you again. I’m sorry you had such a busy day too because we didn’t get to spend time together and I always love the time I spend with you. It could be so easy to just admit that and to go with it. I love you.