Today has been a very hard day. I sorry I didn’t take your calls I just couldn’t do it. I missed the first because I was in the shower and I was relieved to not take it to be honest. The next call, I simply couldn’t answer it, I choked up and couldn’t talk. I picked up the phone and weep knowing your beautiful voice was on the other end, but I just held the phone and watched it ring until it stopped. I thought I’d choke to death before it stopped.
Then I didn’t want to answer your txt because I knew you were just being nice and what would I say? “No I’m all fucked up because you don’t need me in your life?” Or “I’m Sorry please don’t call me any more because I can’t treat you like a friend” ? Or “were not in that kind of relationship Are we?”. What the fuck cold I say? … Or maybe …” stop being nice to me and please don’t call me anymore”? I couldn’t fucken do it. I’m sorry, I should have had to balls to say goodbye in person if that’s what you wanted.
By your next call My wife had come home because my son called her and said something was wrong with me. Even so I couldn’t talk. I simply wasn’t capable of it. I’ve told you a thousand times I will never leave you and that I would never stop loving you and never once considered that you don’t want either one, because it seemed that u was more then that to you.
I know you told me in the nicest way you could. You tried to be very careful and kind. But it still just hit me hard when you said we weren’t in a relationship. You’ve told me before that I’m just a friend and I that guess I just would not hear it. Wouldn’t believe it.
I’ve been thinking about when you told me that I was selfish and I’m sure I must seem like the most selfish man in the whole world and I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be, but I can certainly see how you must think that.
I spent the day trying to see things from your point of view and apparently I’m not very good at that because I’ve thought I was acting with at least some of your interest in mind even when I’ve apparently hurt you. I must simply be so involved in my own concerns that I do a poor job of thinking of you and I’m sorry.
You are a kind and forgiving woman. I see you treat all the men in your life with far too much kindness and I’m apparently just like them. I need your kindnesses and gladly receive them with the wrong understanding of what was going on. I must be a complete jackass because I always ask myself why can’t Pat see that you’re not interested in him and that your just kind to him when the same is true of me!
Like the first night you invited me over to your new place for drinks. I frankly don’t remember what I did to upset you but it was very kind of you to invite me over, but I should have seen that you were simply being kind to me as you are to everyone, even those who abuse you. I should have noticed. In the time since the last time “the penis” was here we’ve only been to lunch once. Ive seen you a moment or two at a time to bring you bk, but not at lunch like before. I know, Im a persistent little fucker, but I won’t be from now on. I thought you liked it. I won’t be an ass or text rape you or blame you, I will just stop.
It hurt when you said I always take, the give an Inch and take a mile sort of thing. I thought I was treating you like a friend or at the very least I didn’t think i was taking anything from you, when you were just being nice to someone who was hurting. I thought you were making time for me since work hadn’t allowed you time to see me at lunch.
There’s a part of me that wishes you would have told me to leave you the fuck alone instead of being kind to me. But I am glad for the time I was able to spend with you although it meant something that apparently is not what I thought it was, to me it was all wonderful.
I really don’t know what to do. But I know that I can’t see you and pretend that I don’t love you. I can’t see you and at the same time somehow put even more emotional distance between us since you don’t share the feelings that I have for you. I don’t know how I could do that. I can’t do that and I can’t take it any longer. It’s not an either or sort of thing I love you and if you don’t love me then I wont keep hurting you and so this is goodbye.
I don’t know what I’m going to do, I thought you cared for me more than you do, but I know I won’t fucken bug you any more like a beggar with his Hat in his hand. I just don’t know how to stop. I’m sorry but I’m in love with you and I’m lost. I could have absorbed anything, and I thought that I would simply continue seeing you and hope you would care for me more and more, but one thing I can’t do is see you if its me that’ s hurting you by persisting
To me it was such a simple thing. I love you and you love me. What so hard about that. Fuck everything else. It should have been easy. Stop brain fucking us!
I’m beyond confused, in the end I understood nothing. I wish I could be mean and call you names and blame you, that would make it easier, but I can’t do that.
I hope the picture makes you smile. You have the power of the wolf inside you. Its kind of gallows humor, but you have a pretty smile.
I guess thats goodbye.
- Monday, A Hard day Again (primalnights.wordpress.com)