15 comments on “Catnip, Oh How I Love You

  1. Care to explain what you mean by meltdown? So I noticed your countdown calender. You set a date? What for? And why? Sorry if i am being pushy, just really curious. You are very fascinating. Its really intriguing.

    • It would take me a thousand words to explain this well, so I will do it poorly in fewer words. I’m nuts about her and I can’t have her. I was driving myself crazy and wrote her a letter saying so, saying I couldn’t take it any more. She called me and was wonderful to me. She was very kind and understanding. I think she sometimes hurts because of me as well. She said that I have a meltdown about every 6 months or so :-) and so put up a six month countdown. That night she invited me over for a couple of drinks to smooth things over a little. It was nice to see her. After that when we spoke and I told her I wouldn’t wait forever for her, only 10 years or so. She did the math and said we’ve been together for 8 years, so two more years? And I said “no, ten years from today, but we can adjust that if we need to”. So now I have a 10 year calendar,they are just little teases if she ever comes here, but she knows she owns me as if I were her puppy. Your not pushy at all. I like having someone safe that is interested. Thank you.

      • ohhhhhhh well that makes perfect sense. In a weird random way (no offense) But what happens if she doesn’t come back to you completely devoted to receive your love and give hers to you? Will you still wait or move on? Since what I’ve been through, some might think she is just you know..kind of playing with your emotions, though, she might just be confused and scared at the intensity of your love for her, or she is scared of getting hurt and not sure what to do. I just worry.. I know I don’t know you on a personal level, and I am just barely a woman, but you seem very honest and sweet and trust worthy and Ive seen lots of people like you get hurt really bad. It just be sad if you got hurt and I honestly wouldn’t want you to redo what you did years ago. This is just my honest opinion and I hope I offended you or her.

        • You never offend me. I know she loves me very deeply and that will never change. I don’t know if you’ve read it but I fell in love with her when she was engaged and I was married. She has since married and divorced and had other relationships and moved on. I am still married. If I were single I don’t know if it would be different, I’d like to think it would be. If I were married I would ask her to marry me and she would say yes or no and we would move on but I don’t know what her response would be. I’m much older than she is. At one point I was separated and was going to ask her to move in with me but I botched that badly and within just a month or so she got back together and moved in with a former lover. The guy that ended put beating her all to hell. The only human I’ve ever wanted to hurt by the way. By the time she had the strength to leave him I had moved back with my wife. She’s had many lovers and she’s had lovers shes “cheated on”. But she will not have a relationship with me beyond friends, no even hello or goodbye kisses. I don’t understand to be honest, but I care for her and I don’t know what else to do. She is not playing with my emotions, I’m sure she loves me, but she won’t allow herself to get any closer to me. I’ve asked her to be my lover forever and she declined. She confuses me a lot and I don’t know what will happen in the future. She’s left me many times, each time she finds a man that she thinks is THE man she leaves me and if it fails she comes back to me. But she does it to protect herself which I understand. That doesn’t make it any easier and the future with her scares me to be honest. But I won’t leave her, she may leave me and If she does I will respect that because I do love her, but I will never leave her. Maybe I’m just a dumb fuck, but if I left her it would here her and I don’t want to do that. At least I get to see her for now and have the hope that at some point I will be able to love her enough to let her go when she needs that if she won’t keep me in her life. I wish I was more clear. But what I want is to keep her in my life and to be her lover.

          • Wow.. I thought you had divorced so thats why I thought that if you were single why wasnt she with you. But now I kind of am starting to understand your point of view. How old are you if I may know? Well the good thing is that you respect her and also in a way you will be okay if she decides to leave you alone. You’ve got it bad lol

          • This made me smile, your right I’ve got it bad. I don’t want to put out my age here or many other details that people might string together to figure out who she is through me. Maybe some place else or another time :-)

          • Lol Im glad I made you smile with my silly words. And I totally respect that.. Im starting to think I should be more reserved as well.

      • I am hanging in there you know. Just taking it day by day. Some are good and others are horrible. Yesterday night I didn’t sleep at all. i just cried and cried. The nights are the hardest to deal with. It seems that people have lost somewhat a connection to certain promises one should always keep. It just sucks for me. I feel shattered, my confidence and self esteem out the window. I almost wanted to slash myself all over because I felt so ugly. Its been tough as you can tell…but then I think, One day there will be a man to love me right and never hurt me deep.

        • I do understand this in a very personal way.to be honest some of this is what Catnip has gone through and why I won’t hurt her. Two me she loved hurt hurt, one shafted her emotionally and beat her then stalked her and still does so. And so I will never hurt her. Ad I went through this myself when Catnip left me for a year and I cut myself and bleed to death. But as I recovered I decided that from that moment on I would live for me. Fuck everyone who didn’t love enough to care about me. I wasted a lot of my life not having the courage to love myself, to care for myself And I did things to make other people happy even when it made me unhappy. I won’t do that anymore, people have to love me for me, which is one of the reasons I love Catnip so much. She knows exactly who I am and she may be the only person who does. She does not judge me and she loves me, and I will love her forever because of it. I hope you will find the courage to love yourself too.

          • I use to cut myself a lot. When I was 14. I overdosed 3 times and just woke up hours later a lone and groggy. So after that I never did the whole suicide thing. It made me see that even though life is tough its also beautiful. No matter how many battles we have to fight. I half love myself and half dont. At the moment, I have been hurt and shattered. Like I said, Ive been feeling ugly…I look at myself and think who’d want me. its been very negative. So Im working on the other half. Just dont know how long it will take to get better. And I am so sorry to hear that Catnip has gone through that. No woman should ever experience that. I grew up seeing my dad and brother beat their wives.

          • I’m sorry you also go through the pain you go through. In a way she lets him hurt her. She could cut him off or stop him but she doesn’t. It saddens me.

  2. I’ll get by. Oh wow really? Well then… she needs to take the courage she has and stop that immediately or else something worse might happen and then it will be to late. Thats i way beyond that she should be dealing with.

  3. This would make a lovely requitted romance novel. You seem to touch on all the elements and most certainly describe your emotions so well. I keep coming, drawn to the heart that breaks. It is so heroining i fear to read more. But i do want to continue and read remembering the coolness of your
    Catnip pressed warmly against you. Her sachet to the scenting of your memory to forget all other but this season it surely is your. I understand the meltdown too. I just didnt know what it was called; certain a gnashing of teeth, the pain and the bittersweet.

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