I only got to really see you a couple of times because of your stupid manager, and employees, etc, but the time I spent with you was nice, specially breakfast, thank you. Two things come to mind. One, something I said, and one something you said.
You first. After breakfast I wanted so badly to connect with you I said something about making love to you. And you said something like: ” what about my feelings?”
I felt bad and a little stupid. In some way I am failing you if you don’t know this about me and your feelings, actually I think you do know this but the greater truth right now to you in your life, is that men hurt and use you, so this does not ring true yet. ….. Do you think there’s anything I care about more than your feelings? …… I know that the moment you read this you will know the answer is no. It might be easy to say: “yes, your feelings”. But you know that my feelings are tied inextricably to yours! How can I possibly be happy if I hurt you or your feelings? I don’t ever want to hurt your feelings. It’s hard for you to understand but I love you. You understand a part love, a little of love. But I don’t think you’ve ever been loved by someone who loves you for you. You don’t require it of people so you don’t get it from them, but I will teach you what true love is and one day you will see it and want it and it will change your life.
The other thing was something I said. Your manager had snapped at you and you were texting her an apology. You were visible upset and I wanted to somehow convey something compassionate or loving to you so I reached to touch your hand, a finger on your hand actually. You said “don’t fucken touch me” I wasn’t hurt by it. You were upset and sometimes you get really wound up and I just wanted to break the tension you were under with a kind act. Take your mind away for a few minutes, and after a while you calmed down and we’re fine.
But a few minutes later I referenced that and I said: “If I want to touch you I’ll fucking touch you” And boy did you bristle! You lowered your head the way a Cat does when it’s about to hiss and you hunched your shoulders a bit, your face hardened and you got an evil clown face on you shook your head slowly and you said: “Don’t you say that”, and then with a little more menacing in your voice “don’t you fucking say that”. It was clear you had been hurt before and you were ready to defend yourself from the very beginning from any physical assault. You were going on the offensive. I felt bad because it was a dark look into what you had been through. I held my ground, but I still pulled my hands back so you wouldn’t bite of any of my fingers like a man about to break up a dog fight, and I said: … “if you’re hurting or in pain or if something’s is bothering you I’m going to reach out and touch you and comfort you and your going to let me or get the fuck over it” … you didn’t like but you listened and after a minute you realized that I was being kind and you cooled down. But it was still a scary moment for me because I could see the hurt you had gone through and how ready you are to defend yourself, even from someone you know with absolute certainty will never hurt you.
Which takes me back to the first point which is I’m sorry that I am failing you. But I promise that I will love you long enough and gently enough that you will one day know love.
- Love letter for Catnip: The Moment I See You. Whispered in a Video (primalnights.wordpress.com)
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