2013 has been a wonderful year. And today wass another great day.
Today you touched me. You reached out and touched me as if to make a point of it after you stopped holding my hand. It was simple and it was kind of you. You reached out and put your hand on my shoulder as we drove. You tell me you love me in many little kindnesses like that. But I don’t think that you know that you touch me all the time. Did you know that? You touch me constantly when were together and when your not thinking about it.
You bump into me, you touch my arm, you touch my hands and my arms you put your hands on me and you touch my hair. You bump your hips into me you press your breasts against me, you bump me with your legs and knees, you wander into me. You touch me a thousand times a week. You are wonderful to me, Im sure you know it, but you don’t think about it, that is the real you and me.
But you are so cruel to yourself. You want me to touch you even as you resist. You want me to show you tenderness. You want me to support and caress you, but you stop yourself, even thought you’d rather embrace it.
That you love me is obvious and that you want to touch me and be touched by me is as equally obvious, no matter what else you do.
You say you stop yourself to manage me, but you do it to manage you. You know I’m not going to push you into some corner somewhere. Not because I don’t want to, but because I wont hurt you that way when I am your safe place and because I know that one day you will pull me next to you because you want to and I am waiting for that with great restraint.
I’m sorry that you feel guilty when your with me, there was a time that I did to. But I cut myself and bled to death since then and when I found that I they brought me back, I decided that I wanted you in my life. And while I don’t want to hurt anyone, close to me or you, I do not feel guilty about anything between us. My decision is made and I get to make it for me, whatever the results, and I long for you to embrace me as I would you.
You asked “who said I don’t feel guilty about other relationships”. But that still leaves me wondering why the guilt you feel towards me stops you from sharing your touch with me, and by that I literally mean touch, when it is so, clear that you want to share it.
You have been treated so poorly by those you have loved and whom you’ve given your heart that I hope you will have the courage to allow yourself to love me. Your argue with yourself against it, but your heart wants to. I just don’t know why you don’t unless your afraid of something and I wonder if loving me makes it harder because tenderness between us would have greater rewards and would risk greater pains.
So I want to ask you for a favor again. It’s the same favor I’ve asked you for before and it’s simple. Trust me, and let me love you Catnip, and allow yourself the tenderness that you want. And if you can not allow yourself this, then tell me you love me and share what’s in your heart that you also hold so closely.
I love you Princess.