You say that I’m needy. I’m sure that your right. But if your not needy, its because your feed day and night And I never leave you wondering what you mean to me.
How many times have I left you hanging? Waiting for me to call when I didn’t. I don’t think many and I don’t think there are very many times when I’ve left you waiting for something from me. But you leave me hanging and then kind of rub my nose in it even though I know that’s not your intent.
Here are some of the things I”m waiting for from you and what happened? I asked if you spend every weekend with the man your seeing now or if we could do something and you said you do have some free weekends you were cute and you said “we could work something out!” It was awesome to hear. You were so cute. So, what was that? We’re you just pulling my chain, or did you mean it but just at that time or what.
Anyway I asked you to go to SF with me for the weekend. You didn’t say no you told me what you were doing that stopped you and Sid you already had something planned but you were encouraging . So I invited you to go someplace else. You said you had your son that weekend and couldn’t and said “How about this, I’ll let you know where Id like to go and find a weekend and let you know”. I thought that was so cool and I’ve been waiting and excited to hear back ever since.
For a while I was looking forward to that. But the happiness has collapsed over the past weeks. You seemed excited when you said it but clearly you don’t even think about it Anymore. Now I know it’s nothing to you. So it hurt today to hear your weekend plans To go to the mountains with someone else. I know you were just chatting and didn’t tell me to rub it in. But in a way that made it worse. Your working out plans and details to go placjus your just not thinking about me. You don’t even think of it. It means nothing to you and it seemed at that moment that that is what I was too you, nothing. Someone you had Blown off and not even considered. As if you had blown me off so clearly that you never even thought of me or of the fact that i was still hanging waiting for you. I thought she just said those things and it mean nothing at all, she never thought of me again and I’ve spendthrift all this time hoping and I meant nothing.
I talked to you about an awesome zoo and said thatI could take you and your Son to the Zoo, you said “That sound fun”. So I asked you to let me knowable when and you said ok. It’s about 400 miles so I figured it would be an out of town trip. I’ve brought it up gently since but not asked and you kind of just let it hang as if it was nothing. I don’t know if you have forgotten or dismissed it or what. But you a smart woman. It seems unlikely you forgot. It seems more like you were never interested.
I told you about my friend feeding the Tiger in Lagoon and I asked if you had ever been and you said you hadn’t and I said Id like to take you and you asked if we went if you could you take your son and I said yes and said that sounds like fun. Now given that I think you’ve blown off the Zoo and a weekend doing something, I wonder if you just always say yes to shut me up then leave it alone and that we won’t go.
I gave you a book as a gift and when i asked if you had read it you said no, that you,gave it to your sister. Then you were concerned if I put something in the book that would embarrass you and I said no and explained that It had relationship in it that I wanted to talk with you about, so you said when she was done reading it you’d read it and we’d talk. I dont expect you to read it at this point. But I looked forward to that for a long time, because you said you would do it and I believed you.
You invited me over with a friend and I declined and said I’d like to see you sometime with just the two of us because I wanted to spend time with you talking to you and you said I get that and you said you understood that. I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels so we could spend an evening talking and I told you I had the bottle. You said it might be a few weeks but I’ll let you know when and you said “It’ll be fun”. I’ve mentioned the bottle several times and its still in my truck and I still hope we get to spend some to e together, but its been a couple months now.
When my phone died I lost all of my copies of the letters Ive written to you and I asked if i could see the letters and you said you would get them to me. I reminded you a time or two but you started getting bugged that I’d remind you and said I’ll fucken get em I just havent been over to my room to get them since then.. At this point you don’t have to show them to me because I would feel bad now. But I looked forward to it for many weeks.
Someone you were seeing read one of my letters to you and you called and you told me that you were not willing to lose me and that you would have to hide me better in the future. That day you were very affectionate and a bit scared. You reached out to me and squeezed my hand. You laughed and giggled and you were charming. I agreed and said please hide me because I dont want to lose you. That feed my ego and I felt important to you. Then today you said you didn’t have a problem with people knowing about me but you don’t because I asked you to hide me, but thats not how it went. You needed me then and i was important to you and you didn’t want to lose me, thats how it started.
You look forward to my letters, You love them I know you do. But they are yours and they are private, because they are love letters and you dont share them and you wont. Its not just me that hides and want us hidden. Im sorry its hard but I know it is.
Sometimes you mold to my touch, sometimes your repelled by it and we spoke about that today. And then you said your language of love is not about touch. You’ve told me you loved me many times and I know you do, and you’ve also said “I know I don’t tell u enough or really at all… but your important to me.” So if your love language is not touch and it is not words what is it? I know you love me. But your right I am needy. I need to hear it or feel it, I need to understand it because it is far from clear how you truly feel for me.
I’m sorry if I don’t understand all this, but I am tying to understand but I need to talk and its hard to talk about. I’m sure there are some who might see this and say: Hey dumb fuck she’d not interested in you. But I think they’re wrong. I hope they’re wrong. I hope your not just saying nice things and hoping I will tire of chasing you. I know we’re friends but were not just friends and I don’t treat you like a friend, I treat you like a girlfriend. If the way I treat you is the way all of your male friends treat you, then your a very luck woman.
I love writing you. And you love my letters as much as I do. But in March you gave me a pretty good ass chewing over my letters. You said I help you responsible for my feelings in them and told me to either write them because I wanted to write them or not to write you. So I stopped. Then about a month later you asked where your letters were and you gave me such a cute little smile, you wanted them! Even so I didn’t write you again for several weeks again and when I told you I had sent you a letter you said I wondered when you were going to write me again.
I love writting you those letters. But that hurt me a lot, not a little, A lot. You said I hold you responsible for how I feel in them which is partially true. I write to communicate with you and yes I’ve said a lot of stuff in them because I’m in love with you and I want to convey that to you but you are responsible for your side of the conversation and what I understood from you was that you loved and enjoyed my letters.
And you said it was a relationship with expectations. It made me sad Because you’d never objected to me about anything I ever wrote you, not to me ever. If anything you were charming and grateful about them to me. So my expectations were that we were very close and that we understood each other. I never considered anything else for all these years.
Even so you love my letters as much as I do because you told me so. The difference is I have no idea who I am to you or what you think of me. I don’t know how you can think I should understand that because I don’t know what you loved or hated or what you thought because you’ve read them all and never bothered to say anything against them and that has shaped my understanding for all these years.
I’ll tell you how things appear to me and I hope I don’t hurt you when I do. I see a woman who loves me and is scared of me because of her past, not because of me. She’s scare to let me into her home because shes let people in intimate settings before and they’ve taken advantage of her.
I see a woman who wants my love, who craves my letters, who needs my poety, who longs for my presence, but who can’t trust me and who is scared I will use her or hurt her. It’s only the last 3 months that you’ve opened up to me and I’ve thought you did so because we felt similar. I still think that and hope you will admit that.
I love you and want to be close to you and I can endure a great deal to work through what were going through because I think your worth it and I want you in my life.
It’s hard for me. Because I thought you felt for me the way I do you. Im tired of feeling like a piece of shit when you rebuff me, and I wouldnt feel that way because i would not reach out to you if it was not so clear that you need it and sometimes crave it, sometimes at the very moment you reject it. Like I’m just an asshole who all the sudden is trying to chase you and fuck you and then leave you. Im tired of feeling like that because I’m not like that. Your not a piece of ass to me that I want to pin. But I clearly dont know who I am to you when I thought I knew.
You used the words moral compass. Yes I know that sex outside of marriage is wrong. Frankly that is also part of what confuses me. Not that I dont understand that sex with me is wrong, I get that, but ‘ about us is wrong. But morally its the same as anything else, and it makes me wonder if its just me personally. I dont get it and it hurts. Fuck it whatever. I don’t even care about that compared to knowing that you love me and that Im not an asshole. I that you see me as a threat. Because that speaks to your history and colors me with those colors. That’s not me. I wish I had never said anything about it, even though you like the flirting and the inuendo, it wounds you.
You asked why we can’t just hang out and have fun? Even thought I am deeply in love with you, its less fun than you might think right now.
I hope you can understand what I’m trying to let you know, how I am struggling to understand and I hope that the attempt to communicate doesn’t offend you and that we will talk.
Maybe I am needy, but if I am, the reason is not because I am just a needy person, its because people are shaped by what happens to them and in this case by what’s happened between us.
And yes, I’m scared. Whatever the hurt is, it to far out weighed every single day by seeing your picture come up on my caller ID that I welcome those pains so that I can have s happinesses.
I know this was not a very fun thing to read. But I want you to understand me and see how much I believe in and hope all things you. I love you. I wish you were mine.
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