Words so often fail you and I in their struggle to push through the emotions for me and the facade for you. Each of us hiding what we hide from each other. But yesterday words finally came through for me, through my thick head and into my understanding. And that time for the first time in a long time, I was at peace about you. Somehow I understood you so much better than before.
For so long I wondered and struggled with who I am to you and compared myself to other whom you care for, sometimes dismissing your sparse words to me because of your actions. But last night I was able to finally see a glimpse of us through your eyes. Because of something completely unrelated that you said.
Over the years I’ve written you so many letters pouring out my heart to you, a hundred of them I’d guess. And I have always longed to hear of your love for me in return. My eyes itched to deserve them, my ears rang with the hollow silence. My mind clawed at me to desperation for some indication from you that you felt the same way. Even though I knew in my heart that you loved me, I longed to hear you express it to me. That desire, the need to hear an admission of your love for me, consumed me.
And then a few weeks ago in a brief moment of need, you confessed in words your need for me. And for a few brief shinning days you were able to open a portion of your heart and let you love for me spill out like a glass of wine to full to be contained, you shared delicious fragments of your love for me. Then as quickly as a glass of wine is managed with a few sips, your expressions became even harder for you to share as if their sharing had been a mistake.
But then last night, in an aside, I learned that you feel guilty for our relationship! I had no Idea that your time spent with me or your expressions towards me ever made you feel guilty. Your such a strong self-confident assertive lover I had no idea that you ever felt guilt. I feel like a pig now even saying it because you are also such an empathetic creature. But I never knew.
Now so many things look so different when seen through those eyes. You reluctance seem so different to me now, so much less like I am someone you need to manage and kept at arms length, and so much more like a pleasure that you must resist even as you desire it In order to maintain it. You seem so much closer to me now, and you care for me so much easier to understand.
i love you Catnip.
- Dear Ms Anneliese, A love letter Dated 12 April 2013 (primalnights.wordpress.com)
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- Westlife _ More Than Words (wisnunegarablog.wordpress.com)
- The love for a word… (Daily Prompt) (vosperdruiter.wordpress.com)