Ms Anneliese. This is the draft of a letter I wrote to you last year. I gave most of it to you but I’m sure not all of it. Your little heart was to tender for some of the words In the draft. A least I’m pretty sure I gave most of it to you. If you read it again, be careful because If you have not read it it will hurt, not because of me but because of “The Asshole” and your feelings.
Dear Ms Anneliese,
I would give you anything you ever ask if it was in my power. But I can not give you wisdom above your own actions. you have lied to me in the past but usually in a kind or innocent way or in a way that people sometimes do. Nothing really. But I can’t watch you lie to yourself right now just because you are hurting right now. I never want to hurt you but I can’t let you lie to yourself by sugar coating or distorting thing.
It has been 4 months since you came to my work and told me you left him. Which was 2 weeks from the day you told me not to call you again. As you read this please dont justify it by saying you deserved it or that it was because you fight back or anything else. I have never hit another MAN in anger and He attacked you. He is a piece of shit.
He attacked you when you were naked in the shower. He attacked and terrorized you there in the hotel without provocation or reason. He hurt you so bad you were scared to ride home with him in the truck. He beat you in what should have been your home. He hit you in the face. He bruised your face and arms and torso. he put you head into and made a wholes in the wall. He broke a coffee table with your body and broke other things by throwing you into them. You were scared that he would hurt your son! He kidnapped you and possibly drugged you. You were afraid to go back to your own home and were scared he would find you and you hid from him. You hid from loved ones because of what he did to you and your face and you had to wear makeup to hid the bruises from me and were embarrassed and ran from me when I noticed them.
Please don’t dismiss these things. I know you are going through a hard time right now but in late March you told me you were getting better and I know you have had some good days and days when you have said you will never get over him but that you were doing good. I know you always try to put a good face on things and that you still were hurting, but you are now having some bad days.
But the days will get better and it has not been very long when you consider that you had moved in and acted as man and wife and taken those patterns on as if he had earned them. Playing house with a man who didn’t have the decency or the respect to win the love of those you loved. Its what you always do Ms Anneliese. I’m sorry to say that to you but I’ve said it to you only because we’ve spoke about it before and I hate to see you hurt like this over and over. You give of yourself to freely to men who do not deserve you. It’s only me that you test and find wanting. For some reason you give yourself to undeserving men so freely as if they had earned your love and as if they had proven their respect to you. You give yourself completely before they deserve it and then you struggle to gain their love and devotion long after you have already give yourself to them. It hurts because I know I will see it again.
What scares me is that after this man will be another to whom you will give the sweetest parts of you long before he deserves you, and your emotions and the patterns of your life will be enmeshed with his and your son will bond to him just like “The Asshole”. Not because “he” is like “The Asshole” but because you are lonely and impetuous. And you will be far to committed far to soon to the wrong man and you will bleed again. And for some reason the part of you that commits to a relationship and that fights against being guided and the part of you that rebels will fight and overpower the rest of your wisdom and you will spend your strength trying to fix what should never have been. Im sorry, it hurts me to say this to you, and I hope I’m wrong. In fact this is where I feel like I am the biggest failure to you. I have always hoped that the strength of my love would be enough for you to be strong as you found the right man. That you would lean on me and call me, invite me into your life. That we would be lovers and that you would be content with my affections long enough to find a man who you would require more of him then just to fill the voids of your life. Again you can tell me to get fucked here. But no matter what you know that Its hard for me to say the things and that ok care for you.
Do you remember the day we went to the movies and you were so sad and when I asked you you explained that there was a man in Denver that you wanted to go to. You thought you loved him and maybe you did. Your heart was so tender and so hurt. But you didn’t go. You said it was because of the letter I wrote you about not giving yourself so freely and so soon, that you didn’t go. Then a few weeks later you thanked me and said it would have been a big mistake if you had gone down, my letter saved you a lot of grief. And your right because you would have gone down and gave yourself to him and connected and started a chain of events that would have tied you to him long before you even knew who he was. And then about two weeks later you were over him and not just over him, sick of him. But if you went down you would have been involved with him.
You’ll hate me for saying it, but this relationship with “The Asshole” is in some respects is the same. You gave everything you had to this man without demanding of yourself to KNOW who he was. You followed your heart blindly. But I don’t even see it that way. You were lonely, then excited to see him, then defiant, and defensive. You wanted you freedom and the companionship and were willing to risk it all without even getting to know him Or date him and see who he really was. Your had already told me he was not even good to you the first time you were together. But you want a family and a home and a father for your son so bad that so you took the risk and played house.
I remember a day when you said to me that it was so hard for “Mike” your son to adjust to “The Asshole” and accept him.. And then what you said shocked the hell out of me. You hadn’t told me you and “The Asshole” were together yet it had only been a month or so and you said “I’m so glad that’s over I’d never want to go through that again”. I knew right then that you were deluding yourself. it had been so short a time but you were all onboard already. You can say fuck you to me here to if you want to. But I have to be honest because I don’t want to see you hurt again
And so now you will heal those wounds at the same rate that that were inflicted. However long you were with “The Asshole” that’s how long it will take for the bleeding to stop. And once the wounds are healed the scars will be tender for that that same amount of time once again. And then the scare will still remain but the pain will be a memory in stead of a reality. I only hope that you are wise enough to listen to what you have said to me instead of what you say to him. I love you little girl.