I don’t know what to say about lunch Monday. I loved the time with you. I always do. If I seemed a little odd it’s because I felt a little odd, but I was not upset at you at all. I had simply grown uncomfortable and not because of you.
The longer I sat there the more I felt like an unmade bed in front of you and Im sorry I made you feel like it was you, because it was me. I did leave so we could go to the bank like I said. But you right, I was feeling odd because, sometimes, when I’m with you I feel like a liar, or a fraud.
I sit there with you, pretending that I’m A nice guy and that I’m just your friend. But that’s not all you are to me, and I felt like a fraud because I want to reach out and touch you and I don’t. I don’t because I don’t want to be like every other man who has propositioned you or made inappropriate advances towards you and hurt you. I don’t want to be that and I don’t want to feel like that either. I sat there listening to you completely enamored with you. So in love with you that I just needed to move or go out of my mind. Then when I stood and realized that you wanted to stay and talk and that I made you feel like you had upset me, I felt stupid. I would have loved staying and listening but i couldn’t stop the inertia of that moment.
I drive myself crazy as I sit there with you sometimes. Questioning my every thought and move. In the past and recently I’ve reached out to touch your hand and felt you put your hands in mine. Ive felt your hand gently cradle itself in my hand. Felt it melt into my hand because that’s where you wanted it, because that’s where you needed it! Seen you relax at our simple touch.
And I’ve also felt you pull it away and felt you hide it from me. And in my head I hear myself yelling FUCK! And I start wondering if I am just like every other man, if I am just another asshole. And the longer I sit there the less I feel like me, because I’m not an asshole and I don’t want to feel like one.
What I mean when I say I’m not fucked up, is that all of my decisions about you have been made. I want to hold your hand, I want to spend time with you every chance I get. I want the real you. I’m fun too and I want to have fun with you. I’m not confused about any of that or about you.
What I mean when I say I’m fucked up is that I don’t know how to respond to you! Not because I don’t know how I want to respond, but because I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t know who I am to you and I don’t want to fail you as so many others have failed you. So I subordinate my desires rather that risk hurting you, even though I know that its your heart that puts your hand in mine.
- What to do when you’re the asshole in the relationship? (ask.metafilter.com)