The last two weeks with Anneliese were great. Two weeks ago she started calling me every day asking to see me, to go to lunch to go out and hang out. Just Whatever. I heard from her every day. Then this week we went to lunch a time or two and it was nice.
But then yesterday something changed again. I don’t know what exactly, but something. She was distant and angry. I kind of give that to her because she’s been through a lot.
During lunch her feelings were tender. She told me that she had gone back to the “Asshole” three different times in the past year and didn’t want to tell me because she didn’t want to hear that it was stupid. But now she knows its over and she is feeling better than she had in a long time. But his is what happens with her. She is up and down, happy and sad, over this guy.
I am posting a letter that I did not send to her in just a minute. The conversation went south when I tried to talk about what happened in December. We never really talked about it and she got upset. She accused me of always bringing up old stuff but we had never spoke of the things that bothered me. So this letter is what I wrote her, even though I didn’t send it to her. Tomorrow I will put up the letter that I did send to her. Any comments welcome.
” You said you don’t read the yahoo account, but you don’t just call me on the phone and talk about something like you said you said you do either. There are many things that you’ve said you would explain, in time, and have then just ignored it. You ignore them and me for a month until you over them and then you call again like nothing happened and just I swallow the pain and listen and say nothing. So I’m writing you here telling you I wrote your yahoo account and I’m asking you to read it.
When I brought up December at Chinese you said when I forgive someone I should let it go. I never said I forgave you. I said I wanted to talk about it. At Mexican you said you were emotional and didn’t want to talk, and then you baited me, as you said, I fell for it. We talked about what bothered you. Why I persist, and I said I hope you will change. Then you said we’d talk about the other stuff another time. We had the Stalker lunch and didn’t talk. At the Jade Garden you were more engaged with whoever you were texting then with me so I didn’t want to talk. So we never did talk.
You said a lot of other shitty things to me that I wanted to understand. You made me wait a month and now you act as if we’ve covered everything. But we didn’t talk about anything. I won’t bring it up again, but that just means those issues will sleep until the next time and then it will happen again. I do forgive you. I know you knew that without me saying it, but I still wanted to actually say it.
I’m sorry I brought up the day we drove past Pats house. It was the longest day we ever spent together and it was a special day to me. I was resolving something to, something with you. I know it was 3 years ago, but it was an important day to me, until this summer when I learned where Pat lived and realized you were not with me, you were in my car, but you were with him. I never do that to you. When I’m with you, I’m with you. I turn off my phone, I don’t text, I don’t flirt with other people and I try to focus on you. Maybe I’m not a good friend for you unless I can be with you and not feel. But I’m not good at that.
When you were a young woman I just let you talk and didn’t say anything. You needed someone to listen and so I gave that to you. But you’re not a girl anymore and I can’t pretend that I don’t feel anymore. I hope you know I don’t mean to be unkind. You’ve said your sorry you hurt me and I do believe you are sorry, but you have no idea how badly you hurt me or how many times, or what has happened because of it, because I always just let it go but sometimes the pain is still there.
And no I didn’t know you had left me several times. I just knew that I hurt and when you came back I accepted whatever you told me so I could see you again. I’m sure that makes me a both a dumb fuck and a pussy, but I you’re not just someone in passing to me.
In a way I’m sorry I feel in love with you because I would have served you better if I didn’t, but then I don’t think we would have seen each other again either. And as hard as it is I still love you very much.”
In the end, my hope is that she will understand me better and that we can be closer. I dont understand her very well. She cares for me, loves me, but the way she needs me is different from the way she acts.
Anneliese does not see that her actions do have an impact on how she is perceived, or maybe a better way of saying that is that her actions and what she expects them to mean are dramatically different from the norm. Im sure I could be wrong but I think she flirts much harder than any other woman I have ever known, and what she thinks she is doing is innocent, but compared to other women she is giving the GO signal and not expecting anything to happen from it. It happens a lot to her that men think she is interested far more than she is because of this.
It reminds me of a friend I had that always ordered stake Medium Rare, the was always upset that it was pink in the middle. She would complain to the staff that the stake was not Medium Rate and wanted it cooked more, she wanted it cook all the way through, no pink at all anywhere. This happend many times to her and I said she should order her stake well done. She said “when I order a stake Medium Rare what I mean is that I dont want any pink in it”.
In a way this is what Anneliese does with men. She flirts in a way that tells men that she is interested, when she is not, but she does not see that the actions and the come ons from men are because of her actions and that its connected to her actions compared to the actions of other women and what is socially normal.
And it hurts me a lot because there is something hard wired in me. I need to be near her and I work to tell myself that she is not interested in me beyond a simple friend. But then time goes buy and as she flirts and teases I tell myself, she must be interested. Its hard.