The following is a letter I wrote that for now I am not sending. It is by no means finished, but it is real. Dont forget it is a draft. I have not checked for grammar etc and it is selfish. But his is where my head has been. I dont know what will happen with it but here it is. Love to hear what anyone thinks. Even if you think Im an ass.
Way to needy and whiny.
Dear Ms Anneliese
It’s been so nice to see you again. When you called and asked if I’d take a girl to lunch, it made me happy, you’re so charming to me I couldn’t say no. After a month I thought you were calling to say you cared about me but needed to say goodbye. You always surprise and impress me with. Thank you for calling me.
I wept the night of the Stalking Lunch Date, for you and for me. You hurt me and I’m sure you didn’t know it but I want you to understand how you sometimes hurt me
The two things hurt me. Not responding to email and setting me aside as if I don’t have feelings for you. My letters are love letters. But my emails are about us. And it hurts being ignored. But it hurts worse is when you say you will respond and don’t. It makes me feel stupid and as if I’m an after though to you.
I have several emails that you have promised to respond to that I keep in a folder waiting for your response. All big things to me. All things where I though I had damaged our friendship that I wanted to help mend or understand.
Not responding does not communicate anything to me. It leaves me wondering if I am being snubbed or dismissed, or blown off. Then when we get together after that I feel like an asshole and it hurts.
Like the waiter at the Sushi place downtown. Your by far the most sexually forward person, man or woman, that I’ve ever known. I still don’t think you know how sexual you were towards him. You gave the poor guy a hard on and he avoided us for 10 minutes hiding his dick behind the counter. I asked if you were flirting with him on purpose not because I was jealous but because I thought it was rude to me.
I was a little shocked when you said that you were doing it on purpose. I always treat you with respect. I don’t take texts, or flirt, or talk to other people, I spend that time with you. Your not a social coincidence, you’re the reason I’m there. I asked you to tell me who I was to you and you said you’d respond in a little while, but never did. I still want you to tell me who I am to you. I still want you to explain. That hurt me, the not responding did. I checked my email every hour for a week. It felt like you were dismissing me and made me uncomfortable to call or speak with you for a while after that.
What I mean about you setting me aside is harder because its more personal. I love you and want to make love to you and you know that. Your a sexual being and I love the sexual innuendo and I think of you in sexual ways which you like. And I want to share that intimacy with you. And its frustrating because its fun, but when I take the bait I get in trouble and it hurts. Then there are days like yesterday that wound me.
When we left for lunch you saw a truck like Mats and said you “I drove a truck like that” and I said “I know, I got in trouble in a truck like that” meaning that I tried, not to fuck you, but to touch your hand, and I got in trouble. You said you “I got in a lot of trouble in that truck” and you emphasized a lot. I knew exactly what you implied but you still clarified and said I meant the nasty kind of trouble. I knew that I Just didn’t know the details. Didnt know if it mean blow jobs or fucking or eating pussy. But I thought of all three, in the cab and in the bed. What the fuck else as I’m supposed to think of when I’m with a beautiful, sexy woman who I’m in love with and whom I want to make love to?
Do you think that you calmly saying every couple of years that you won’t make love to me because I’m married trumps that sort of thing? Then you take a call from another man and flirt with him and tell me I’m going to have to deal with it. Yes I was jealous. But I was jealous not because you flirted with some guy, I don’t care about that, but who the fuck am I to you? Every email I’m waiting for you to respond to asks that question. And you not responding does not make me think that I will fall back on the appropriate comments rule, especially after you say something sexy as hell and expect it to run off my back like water off of duck instead of making my cock hard for the rest of lunch. I feel like a piece of shit saying any of this, but come on really? So am I the stupid nice guy that has to hear about other men you’ve fucked and pretend it means nothing to me, and to just let it go. You draw curious lines when it comes to what’s appropriate and when it comes to sex. I’m sorry but I can’t be Mr. appropriate and me stay on my side of the line while you dance freely back and forth across it.
Do you have any idea how many times you’ve asked me “how does my ass look in these pants” or “Do my tits look good it this shirt” Your tits look fucking awesome ok! I love that about you but what should I look at or think about when you say that. Want to know what I want to reply “Your tits look fucking awesome, mind if I sucked on them a little while?
When I had not seen or heard from you for a month and I was dying inside and my heart beating in my chest hoping I had not fucked up my whole life. What I thought after a month of not seeing you or hearing from you a single time was that you were going to tell me you loved me but that you needed to stop seeing me. I was ready to throw up and scared. I was so fucked up and in love with you I would do anything for you.
The even before we get in the restaurant you tell me your cold and that your only wearing stockings, and that you’re not wearing any panties and you said “That’s for you”. I thought it was the most awesome thing. All fixed in an instant. I knew you were over being mad. But you know what else I thought, I wanted to take you in the bathroom and pull that green dress up over your waist and put my cock in you and fuck you. I’d love that! I think that would be super hot. What else am I supposed to think of when you’re sitting there in a sexy dress knowing you have a naked pussy with that dress showing off your jiggly titties and those moles on your tits that I want to worship.
You once referred to our relationship and powerful and innocent. But when you said that had already shown me your pussy, in person, and sent me pictures of your titties and your sexy thighs and your sexy pussy and used a million sexual references. Maybe we havent fucked, but our relationship has never been innocent just because of that. You have told me dozens of times that you weren’t wearing panties and then said “Thats for you” Or when we were in the truck downtown and you were wearing those silky looking black shorts and no underwear and you noticed me looking at your legs and your crotch Want to know what I think of every time you tell me your not wearing panties, I think of what you told me. I asked you “If my mouth was on your pussy where would my hands be and you said, Thats easy, on my titties, and yes I loved that. I love you and I want to make love to you. Don’t say that I don’t listen to you because I do, but you can’t tell me once ever year or so that our relationship is innocent then send me pictures of your pussy and your titties and think that I will consider to think of your simple statements.