Some would call us cheaters, but I don’t care
Let me take you to all of these places
To see you warm and naked in the warm rain
Or bundled in layers against winters cold
On a park bench where we would talk to late
Shivering as the cold works to drive us home
But where we stay and talk just to be together
Before we go back to our real lives
Lives acceptable to everyone but us.
I wrote this during a time I though that Anneliese was distancing us because I was married. Actually I was seperated, but she didnt know that. I will find a poem about when I told her wanted to make love to her, I wrote it at about this same time. Cant remember what its called right now. I called it “On a Green Park Bench” for a while then changed it, But when I find it I will connect these two. Her is the story.
Anneliese and I were seeing each other several times a week. It was May of 2011. I had asked her to lunch on many occasions to talk, but could never bring myself to say anything because there were always so many people so near. She is a younger woman and I am an older man, both well-known in the community. I didn’t want to say anything that might hurt her if someone over heard but I wanted to talk to her.
I asked her to meet me on a green bench near a place where I had thrown away many of the letters I had once written her and that I have written about. She came to me and she was charming and I got so nervous my mouth was so dry my tongue wouldn’t work well enough to even make sounds!
She was not dating anyone seriously although she had told me of men she had seen. She frequently tells me of lovers or men she kisses almost as if it means nothing. But she was not seeing anyone seriously and she had moved to a point where she was feeling some security after leaving her husband. And she was looking for a place to live so she could have some freedom from the people she was living with.
One of the primary reasons she told me she would not sleep with me was that I was married. I didn’t want to be one of those guys that says “I’m leaving my wife” and then strings someone one and never does. So I had told my wife that I was leaving her, I had moved out and I had my own place. Telling my wife that I was leaving was complex and painful, but I had told her and I was living on my own.
When Anneliese met me she was charming and so fucking cute. All I could think of was that I would finally be able to hold her and kiss her.
But she was apprehensive as well as charming and I couldn’t say things the way I meant to. I fumbled the words and fucked thing up so bad I couldn’t believe where the conversations went. I asked her to wear a ring as a friend but before explaining what all I had done, I told her that I wanted to make love to her. Something about that says you love someone and since Ms Anneliese had lovers outside of marriage and even outside of strong personal relationships, and since I thought that she loved me, I thought that I owed it to her to be honest and direct. I’m not a game player because I don’t know how to be. I love her and wanted to make love to her and I thought that she wanted to make love to me. But it hurt her.
She was so upset. Not mad at me. Just kind of like, shit not another friend that wants to fuck me sort of thing. I felt small and stupid. But at the same time I was so ready to do whatever she needed that I just stopped talking at all. It was very hard. She back peddled from her original response because it was kind of over the top for us. She told me that every man she had ever knew tried to sleep with her and she had promised herself that she would never find herself in that situation with a married man.
She had tears in her eyes and I said I was sorry. She hugged me and said she loved me and showed me the ring and said she loved it. But that she had to go. I asked her to stay but she wouldn’t. She got up and left.
I’m sure she will never know how much I love her and what I was as ready to do. I had left my wife and had a great job lined up, overseas but awesome and I wanted to know that she loved me. And we would have had a great life together. We could have had 3 years overseas making a butt load of money and getting to know each other and making strong bonds between her and her son and I and then come back to the states. But I fucked things up so badly that I never even got to that.
I felt like crap. She was wonderful to me. The next day she sent me a picture of her beautiful hands wearing the ring and said she never takes it off and I wondered if I might have a chance to talk once again and to tell her that I had moved out. But we were at different ends of town and working and I didn’t get a chance to see her and within just a few weeks she meet “The Asshole”.
That Was the end of everything for a while. And she changed. Very quickly, within two weeks she was defensive and angry about every thing around me. We couldn’t even talk. The day she told me she had meet an old boyfriend was an odd day. I went to help her move a desk and she looked at me like I was a lepor and acted at every moment like I was about to try to grab her and rape her, it was very very out of character for her. Something dynamic had changed and she changed, at least towards me she was angry and I had done nothing except try to care for her. If I asked her how it was going with him, she would get super defensive and tell me she didn’t care what anyone thought and that she had always loved him. She would treat me like I think a teenage girl would treat her dad if he disapproved of someone her daughter was dating.
Basically she cut me out of her life. For a time. By fall she was not calling or returning my calls. If we spoke it she was polite but cool. We met twice for lunch and both times she was very angry at much of what I said. It was odd because she would be warm and kind and she would allow herself to get close emotionally, then I would say something not even about or related to the Asshole or her and she would think it was about him and get mad.
It was very hard for me to see. She went from a charming, kind, warm, charitable persons, to someone who acted as if she felt like she was being judged for every word she said. My heart broke for her. She wanted his love so badly that she clung to it like you would see a young child clutch a doll to its breast and turn away from everyone so no one could see it but her.
Eventually, she doesn’t know it and didn’t realize it, but I stopped calling her. It was too painful for me and for her. She didn’t want me and it sucked. She didn’t want me and she didn’t think that she needed me, and I was hurting her every time I saw her. Not because of what I did but somehow because of how she was when she was with him. I just let her go on about her life and for a long time she didn’t notice, until apparently, he started hurting her. Then she needed me. Really needed me. I didn’t know at the time that that abuse was the reason or I would have responded immediately. She started calling me again and I didn’t return her calls. When she would connect with me I would be nice but none committal because I didn’t want to be hurt again.
Then one day she called crying telling me she could never talk to me again. He had made her say that and she wept as she explained how she loved me and didn’t want to say goodbye, but that she had to save their relationship. I told her I loved her and that I wouldn’t call again. It almost killed me. I was at work and I just logged off my computer and walked out the door and went home. I called my boss and left a message saying I would be back the next day.
Two weeks later, maybe three she called me again and wanted to see me and explained all the abuse she had gone through. She had told me she couldn’t see me and I was shocked she called because she is a woman who does what she says. I thought she must really need me but didn’t realize that we were back as friends again because she didn’t tell me she had ended it with him. If she had I would have called her and been more supportative but I keep my distance and for a week or so she would call and we would talk but it was about two weeks before I asked how it was going and she said she left him. At that point I wanted to hurt The Asshole” which is another story for another time. The short story is that she still loves him and if I did anything it would hurt her.
She and I are friends again, But I never have told her that I left my wife to be with her. And now so much time has pass and so much has happened I dont know if I will ever be able to tell her.