I started this blog a few years ago to kind of chronicle my relationship with Catnip. It was up for a few months then I went through a hard time with her, and it hurt to write about it so I stopped. So this time it seems like the same thing has happened. I get hurt or we are hurt and its hard to write.
I would have liked to post something her with each interaction we had together so that I could keep them. But instead I am waiting for the pain between us to heal.
It’s very hard because as she has said many times our relationship is inappropriate, it’s a struggle to keep but neither of us wants to lose it either. She also works to hide our relationship and she fosters it as well. If I were single and younger it would be easy. But she clearly does not want to lose our relationship and she loves me, but can only allow herself to go so far. But it’s hard for her to admit that. She does and has, but it is still contrary to her basic nature. I see her struggle to build our relationship while at the same time try not to.
It’s hard for her too because she is in love with a man who beats her. She is struggling to get over him and it is very hard for her. Sometimes when she is having a particularly difficult time with him and her feelings with him, she avoids me. I’m a nice guy, the guy in High School that was so nice he didn’t ever get anywhere with the girls. She has told me I fucked her because she will always want me and can never have me and she said I’m an impossible standard to try to find. And I don’t want to hurt her by seeing her either. That is best because I don’t want to have her confused by those emotions. But it is still hard to leave her alone when I know she is hurting. But it’s hard for her to see me and know that she feels for him.
Anyway it’s been four weeks this week since we last spoke and I miss her and want to talk to her. Ive had this relationship with her for almost 8 years so a month is not that long. I avoided her completely the first week because one week is nothing. The second week it seemed like maybe I would be calling a little too eager or pushy. The next week was the week approaching Christmas and we would not be able to meet anyway. Then the week following Christmas up to now. So I’m going to call her this week.
But I wonder if I should write her first. She hurt me to. I wonder if I should write her and kindly tell her my side of the story. I’m sure she misunderstands some of what went on. I asked her for the letters back that I wrote her and I asked that she arrange a way to get them to me without hurting me. It really upset her. What she does not know is that of all the things in the world, all of the tangible possessions that a person could touch and hold, those letters are the most important things to me.
My challenge is that she got angry and said a lot of things about a lot of stuff so I dont know what she is most angry about. But with the letters she said contradictory things so I dont what where she stands. She said I “can’t do one eighth of the shit” that I say in the letters. (some of them are very erotic and direct). She said she was beaten over those letters. (Which I didnt know) and that she protected them. She said I shouldnt write them if they bother me. Most of this makes me think she likes them, But then I’m not sure.
When she quit the job where we worked together, those letters bound us together and I love them. It would crush me to think of them destroyed. I acted out of fear when she blocked my phone . She was with someone and didnt want my number to come up on caller ID so she blocked it. She has been hit before when my name came up on caller ID, its that Asshole she can’t get over. So she must have been with him. Anyway, she was not dumping me or leaving me so the letters were never going to be gotten rid of, but I didn’t know that and I asked for them back and it hurt her. I was scared. Once before in my life some letters that were very important to me were destroyed in a fit of anger and I was afraid.
So here is a stupid and risky thing to do if you’re in an affair, make copies of all the love letters you send someone. I wish I had.
December was a very sad month. I have another friend I usually talk to frequently as well and we have not been able to talk. It was a long, sad cold month.