I spoke with Catnip today for just a few minutes. Usually that’s awesome, today not so much.
For me its seemed line an eternity since I spoke with her. I know she needs some space and still I needed to speak with her to so I called her at her work. I let it ring 3 times and hung up. She has caller ID so she either knew it was me or it was me and didn’t answer or it was going to go to voice mail. so I hung up. That was about an hour ago.
Then just a few moments ago I got a call from her but it was not a normal call from her. Her voice was measured. She was kind but not warm. She asked how I was doing and I said I was ok but that I was hurting. And I asked how she was doing and she said I’m ok. What else would she say. Then she said it was just hard because her old boyfriend was in her face all last week. (this is the man who she is in love with but who beat her and who in a rage threatened to kill her and her son). She can’t shake him because he loves her too, but he hurt her and while she loves him she can’t go back. The way she said he was in her face all week was laced with venom. The kind you can only have for someone your have loved.
I’m sure the timing of my letter could not have been any worse. She said, I just want to take a plane ride someplace where its quite and stay there for a week and not talk to anyone, and she was emotional and you could hear the fatigue in her voice as she said it. And I said I was sorry and it made me sick to my stomach to hear someone that tired and that lonely and worn out. Then I fucked up again. I didn’t mean to and I though I was doing a kind think but it pushed a button somehow. (If any women reading this understand please explain away because I dont get it.)
I know she is having a lot of challenges. She is basically homeless with a son sleeping different nights at people’s homes until she can move into her own place on the 15th. So I asked “Is the only reason your waiting until the 15th because of money?” And boy did she get angry. She said loudly “Im not talking with you about that, thats none of your business, Im not talking about that!” She said the not talking about that part twice. And she was mad… I dont get it.
I dont have money, but for any friend sleeping couch to couch, especially one I care about who is a woman and has a child, and is sleeping couch to couch, I could come up with some cash. Sell a hand gun or two or something. It was not some come on or some kind of control thing, or whatever she though it was. She could pay me back eventually and save her and her sone 10 days of misery. But boy did she get angry.
Then she said: “I didn’t read your Long apology letter you sent me” and I didn’t hear her well or understand her and I said what long letter. And again I could hear the tired in her voice and she said “the one you wrote this weekend the” then I realized she was talking about the one I sent 4 Dec that I posted her on 4 Dec and
I said “It wasnt that long and was going to say it was 10 lines or so”
And she said “whatever it was, I didn’t read it I deleted it and I don’t want you sending email to my gmail account you can sent to my yahoo account but don’t write me at the gmail account again. I don’t want to get email from you there and if you want to you can resend the letter to my yahoo account.”
So to me thats a whole pile of misery and confusion. What the hell does that whole thing mean. She could have said not to write her at all, Im glad she didn’t. I’m sure while she is hurting she does not want to see my name popping up on gmail all the time at her work. I’m sure its hard to be at work and have to be reminded that your in pain. But she can still go to yahoo if she wants to check to see if I wrote her. Which also sucks because it feels like I’m being managed which I’m sure I am. But at least she didn’t just say to go to hell. And why say that if I wanted to that I could resend the apology letter. Does that mean she wants me to resend it, or that I can if I need to. It seemed more like she wanted it again so is she just being kind instead of telling me to go to hell.
Even so there was a few small kind things she said during the call, She asked twice if I was ok then she said. “Please just give me a little space I have a lot of shit in my life I have to deal with right now” and she said she had to go and closed by saying “I’ll call you soon” Which given our history (See my page on Suicide) gave me little peace.
I will come back and clean this up. For now I just had to get it done.