Catnip and I do not have a physical relationship. We do not have sex or even kiss. But that does not mean theres not that sort of tension. And it does not mean our relationship is innocent. She has sent me pictures of her tits and ass and pussy and we talk about sex etc. It’s fun, shes fun. I have sent her many letters telling her that I want to make love with her and she wont make love to me because I’m married. But I believe that she want to and I certainly do.
Yesterday we had lunch and I gave her a letter telling her I wanted to make love with her. She took it with her after lunch and I knew she would read it later in the day. At about 5 p.m. I txted her and the txt did not go through. So I called and the message said that the caller had blocked all messages coming from this phone number.
I was crushed. I though she had read the letter and that she was upset and blocked my calls. I though I was going to throw up. I though about it and the only conclusion I could come to was that I had crossed the line. I was so sad and so hurt and so lonely. I called her work number. It was after work and I knew she would be gone and I left her a message and then wrote her an email. I though I had lost my favorite friend in the world. One think you have to know is that I have sent her a lot of love letters. This is the email.
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Actually I’m very confused. Which I’m sure makes me a complete ass hole. But I never would of done something that would cause this. I’m writing to ask if this means that our friendship is completely over? I could give you reasons this surprises and confuses me but I don’t want to screw up so badly again that there is no chance to say I’m sorry and still at least be called your friend. I won’t bomb you with emails but I won’t say I won’t write again because I said I won’t call again and I already regret saying that.
When we had lunch at the pub across the street from my bank I said I had something I wanted to share after we made love. You didn’t rebuke me or chastise me. You were charming and kind and I thought flirtatious. I’m sure I misunderstood everything. But after a few minutes you asked if it was something that would hurt you or your family. I thought you had to know I wouldn’t hurt you or hold something back if it had the potential to hurt you… But I find myself in the same position and have to ask something. The letters I wrote you were for you. But I asked on your message machine at work about them. They are yours, but I asked if you we’re going to destroy them if I could have them back. If you we’re going to get rid of them please arrange a way to get them to me that would not hurt me or my family. I know your not the kind to hurt people but I needed to ask.
Again I’m sorry. I would like to tell you I’m sorry. I don’t want our friendship to simply end with a blocked phone number and no goodbye. Please call me. I don’t want to say I deserve anything from you but I am kind enough to speak to you and tell you I’m sorry and to say goodbye. If you don’t want to speak with me I’m sorry to have screwed up so badly that that’s the case because. I truly do not understand that and so I will ask that if we don’t speak please respond to this email and tell me you won’t hurt me with your letters and tell me if we are done as friend. But I’d rather be your friend
This was her reply this morning:
U are a selfish man. I will call u in a bit.
She called a half an hour later,
This morning she called and everything I though was wrong. She had gone out with someone and wanted to protect herself so she blocked my phone so my number would not come up on Caller ID if I called while she was out. She was protecting not only her but “US”. She was so angry and so hurt. More background. She had a mad she loved very much. He found out about me contacting her, he made some bad assumptions as well. And he beat the shit out of her, many times, basically because of me and they separated. She was hurt this morning and said she was beaten because of my letters and that she would never hurt me and that I should know that. And she’s right.
She said I can do one eights of what I say I will do in the letters anyway. Since I’m married I can marry her or have her and I’m sure my love letters must hurt her. In the past she has told me they both hurt and hear her. and I know she likes them. But I hurt her today and I feel horrible.
She was very angry and even more hurt. I felt like an asshole. She said I was dick, and basically she is right. She asked me to leave her alone today and not to write her etc. She is right and has every right and reason to be careful. In fact she is being more careful that before which she should do.
Its been a hard day. because she does love me and does protect me and I hurt her. And what I want is to call and to talk to her and discuss it all. And I want to know what she though of the letter as well. But calling would hurt her again. It sucks.