I have written Catnip many letters though the years. Most of them I have not actually sent here. Many of these have sound their way into my journal, while other were thrown away. But the most common theme of the letters that I have not sent were of us breaking up. This is one of them.
I’m writing to say goodbye. I wanted to begin by saying I’m sorry. But It would take to long to explain that I’m not sorry for saying goodbye, but I’m sorry that you are so damaged that you can’t bare my kindnesses for you.
I see you suffering and working so hard and for what? For a man who loves you like a bag of stale french fries. I think you understand the core of who I am. But I have hidden from you for so long, bridling my actions too often in order to be kind to you. A sort of pity to show you the kindness you deserve and crave but can not accept. No pity you need pity, but because you deserve kindness even at the cost of my own happiness. I can’t explain.
I have done this for so long that you don’t even know the real me. I don’t even see the real me anymore. The person who wants you with a burning drive, a man who would wound and destroy so many others in order to have you.. A man who’s recklessness could tear your pretend world to pieces!
But then I am afraid that to keep you, I would have to treat you in a way that I think is degrading. Because for some reason you need the pain and the hurt, you need to struggle for redemption for your past in order to be happy. And the very thing you think you want is the one thing that will drive you away and that is love.
In the end the reason I don’t send these letters is because I don’t want her to say “Fine” and be done with me. She loves me, but she is very stong and has had to deal with a lot to goodbyes, I don’t think that’s what would happen, but I don’t want to risk it.