Your Ex

Dear Catnip,

I was thinking about what your Ex today.  It made me a little sad for you.  As beautiful as your son is you’ll always have his Dad to deal with.  I was sad because the things you told me about him today were exactly who he was when you were dating him.   He hasn’t changed,  you just see him now for who he is, which is who he was.

When you were dating him I was surprised when I got to know him a little, not so much because I knew him very well, but because I did know you.  He’s exactly who he was then.  But the things that upset you now are the same things that you use to find endearing. You just couldn’t see them because he gave you what you needed right then and because of the situation you found yourself in.

You cared about him and integrated him in your life in a way that gave you few other options, you were so close you were working on the details of living together before you had made a decision about life.  After that marriage became inevitable whether you knew it or not. Then your options was to fix him, put up with him or leave him. But he hadn’t changed you were just so close you didn’t see him.

As amazing as you are,  you still can’t see how amazing you are.  I know you’ve let me in your life and you didn’t have to and I’m grateful for you.

I love you Catnip!

WG

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Shhhhhh

 

I find a pen in my had

A blank page before me

So many words to use

So much to try to say

But for now I’m sure

That I’ve said enough

Me vs “The Asshole”

Dear Catnip,

When I asked if “the Asshole” still trys to get in touch with you you asked me when If I could let you go. Centering me on the idea that I will never let you go so that I would infer that he will never let you go. I got it.

I don’t necessarly like being compared to “The Asshole” but I understood what you implied, and I know your NOT comparing us. But there is a big difference betwen him and I. He may love you, but he continues to try to contact you not because he loves you but because he loves himself MORE than you. This is about winning and losing to him, and if he ever gets you back he will make sure you understand that he is the winner. Now maybe I am the asshole for saying that. But to him you are about winning and control.

Remember the story I told about a bunch of newly married people sitting around talking about what they would do if they got a divorse and I didnt want to be part of that conversation? They pressed me into it and I said I wouldnt get a divorse. I would sell everything I had or that I could get my hands on, take my kids and leave and tell no one. I would keep the kids and to hell with everything else and never look back.

The difference between he and I is that I could not bear to see you that unhappy and he doesnt give a shit if your happy unless your with him. He would rather destroy your happiness than see you happy without him and I think thats true in a very dangerous way.

If you told me to leave you the fuck alone I would leave. I would not stick around to fuck with you or mess with your life. But I could not bear to see you or run into you either. I would erase everything here in my life, take whatever I could quickly take, accept one of the jobs in Europe that would sustain me, and I would leave.

Remember the nice guy? You said he never calls or trys to get ahold of you. I don’t know him or what your relationship was with him at all. But I would be much more like him than “the Asshole” If I saw you or ran into you I would nice or if you called or whatever I would be nice. I couldn’t be anything else. But It would rip me open inside each time and I would suffer through the polite smiles and the goodbye hug I’m sure you give me. I know couldn’t survive that again, so I would leave.

“The Asshole” loves himself.

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Words

He stood looking at the words

stacked neatly in a pile of letters

Wondering if the words and the letters

Had carried with them all of the things

he had intended that they carry.

Can words really carry things like

devotion, or heavier things like love.

As he stood wondering he knew

he knew that they could not

and so he decided to keep his words

Until he could deliver them in person.

What’s Happening?

I know you are careful not to do things that you think encourage me, basically that you modify what you’d like to do or want to do in order to be careful, thinking your modifying my behavior.

So I  found myself wondering if you think of me and just don’t reach out or say hi or whatever.  Im pretty open with you about what i think and that I think of you often.  I just so enjoy my time with you and our relationship and I wish you could also.

Something’s changed and I don’t know what it is or what to do. Two months ago we had so much fun. You texted me a dozen times a day And sent pictures of you in your green dress with the beads and in the polka dotted dress and flirted and we had a blast.

Now your different, careful and tentative. I wish I had grabbed your tits and tried to kiss you, or stuck my hands down your pants and grabbed some ass or something and then you hit me and called me a fucking asshole.  Then I’d know what the hells going on.

But I don’t remember doing any if that.  I don’t think I changed. So what’s going on.

Gravity, I Love it, It’s So beautiful.

Because of Sara Bareilles – Gravity and “Shall we Dance” I fell in love with you all over again.  That happens all the time really.  It happened last year and it happened again today!

Saturday morning I was doing something and the song Gravity came on and just like that I was back a year ago when I first heard it.  I was watching so you think you can dance when they used it. It was beautiful and I watched it again and again, listening to the words and I thought the word were perfect for how i felt about you, then i found out it was being repeated!  I wanted to call you and tell you so you could watch it.  But you were living with the nice guy then and so I didn’t call.  Then this year when we started setting closer I heard it again and wanted to share it with you. It was the reason I wanted to give burn you a CD and man I was excited when you liked it

Both the words and the dance are so appropriate to me.  The dance and the song are about addiction.  And the words are perfect!

Something always brings me back to you.  It never takes too long.

No matter what I say or do, I still feel you here ’till the moment I’m gone.

You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

The dance and the music start at 1:29

Set me free, leave me be. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be. But you’re on to me and all over me.

You loved me ’cause I’m fragile. When I thought that I was strong.

But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I Try to make you see that you’re Everything I think I need here on the ground. But you’re neither friend nor foe though I Can’t seem to let you go. The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down You’re keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah You’re onto me, onto me and all over

Something always brings me back to you

It never takes too long

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Father What are My Sins? A Poem

Dear Father what are my sins?
To have loved without reservation?
Wordless days stacked end to end,
Weeping to hear her voice again?

Are these sorrows, idol or sloth,
That so many poets have written of?
Enduring the cruelty of her silence
As I strike at her with pen and ink?

How am I to be judged oh Judge?
What is the scale upon which I am laid?
Am I just another sinner needing to be blinded,
With both of your thumbs in my eyes,

Before I am allowed to see?
Must my chains be heated blood red once more upon my skin
Before they are to be pulled from my arms red and bleeding,
And the scabs allowed to heal to show my scars?

Which carries the greater weight, love or pain?
Or is it this, this suffering, that is required
To tie me so much closer to this woman whom I love,
To bind us through all that will surely come?

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