Boys, just do it! —-Tell her you think she’s cool. Tell her why you think she’s so cool. Smell her hair. Talk to her in movie theatres. Pick her up and pretend you’re going to throw her in the river; shell scream and fight you but secretly, shell love it. Hold her hand and skip. Hold her hand and run. Just hold her hand. Pick flowers from other peoples gardens and give them to her. Tell her she looks pretty. Let her pay for stuff if she wants to. Introduce her to your friends as the coolest girl I know. Sit in the park and talk to her. Take her to the library, and playgrounds, and train stations. Tell her dirty jokes. Tell her stupid jokes. Write poems about her. Just walk around with her. Throw pebbles at her window at night. When she starts swearing at you, tell her you love her. Take her to shows of bands she’s never heard of. Hold her hand in the mosh pit. Let her fall asleep in your arms. Call her. Call her back if she calls you. Sing to her, no matter how bad you are. Carve your names into a tree. Get her mad, and then kiss her. Give her piggy-back rides. Go see her band play even if they really suck, and tell her they were great. Give her space if she needs it. Push her on swings. Stay up with her all night when she’s sick. Make up pet names for her, but cool ones, not sappy ones. Teach her guitar. Lend her your cds. Write on her. Make her mix tapes. Write her letters. If she asks you to go to a show with her, go, even if it means a 5 hour train trip. Take her to cool shops, and let her take you to even cooler ones. Listen to all the bands she mentions. Don’t tell her that her favorite bands suck. When she’s sad, hang out with her or stay on the phone with her, even if she’s not saying anything. Buy her ice cream. Let her take all the photos of you she wants. Look into her eyes. Slow dance with her, even if the music is fast. Kiss her in the rain. When you fall in love with her, tell her.
Years ago in the Army and they sent me to Panama City, Panama. It was hot and humid as fuck and we went directly to the field and it sucked… We were out for about a week and when we came back and had a weekend off… Saturday morning most of the men took off and headed for the watering holes and the woman in the city. I decided to sleep in… When I woke up there wasn’t a soul in sight. I was laying there in the barracks covered in just a sheet and my own perspiration… The sheet was clinging to me and pulled against me with every move I made…. I pulled the sheet off expecting a chill as the wet sheet left my skin exposed but it was sweltering and I felt nothing but the beads of sweat rolling down my cheats and abs… I stood up and wrapped a towel around me, grabbed my shaving kit and headed to the showers… It was a giant old colonial building with huge white sinks and from the third floor I should see the jungle we had spent a week in as I walked…. When I got to the mirrors I could see the week’s growth of beard and knew it would pull as I shaved but I knew it would pull less today then it would Monday so I resolved to do it… Not a soul was there. I had all the time in the world instead of a dozen guys trying to get in and out all at once… I filled the sink with water and left the water running. I took two hands full of water and pulled it to my face. The whole place was tiled with floor drains so I just let the water drain off of me, and I did it again and again and it felt like heaven… I surrendered to the heat and simply did it again and again. Then I took a handful of shaving cream and covered my whole neck from my chest up to my face, rinsed my hands and took the razor in my hand and set it at the top of my sideburns and grimaced as I started to pull waiting for the pain… But there was none. The days of humid weather had rendered my whiskers ready for the blade. Every pull of the blade was amazing. Long full slow strokes with the blade pressed against my skin and I could actually hear the hair as it was severed. It was magical and so satisfying. A complete and painless surprise… After every stroke I rinsed the blade in the water deliberately and I shaved until my face was clean and not a wisp of shaving cream was left… My face was absolutely smooth. I took another handful of hot water and splashed it on my face, neck and chest and repeated it with the water funning down my torso and legs in a way you simply could do unless you were in this exact circumstance and alone… then walked in and showered. It was the singular most peaceful half hour of my life…. I know it makes no sense and you won’t understand… But I’d give you that half an hour if I could…
Yesterday was such a painful day for me. We went to lunch at the Great Wall and had Chinese and you were charming of course. But our conversation was so artificial, we had already said everything once.
I miss you!
When Can I see you again!
How are you? I’m fine. How are you? I’m fine.
It was all perfectly lovely but so banal. That’s not what I want in our relationship at all. We speak sometimes in this quiet chickenshit code because the truth and the distance between us is sometimes painful to cross. With all of the crap your having to go through with that asshole that tried to kill you I am careful not to add to your pain because you have so much of your own already.
I never intend to hurt you. But yesterday I did. I hurt you. Not because I wanted to, its the last thing I ever want. In fact I didn’t know it would hurt you at all. If I knew in advance it would hurt you I wouldn’t have said a word. But none the less I hurt you.
We spoke about the silence and the pain of it all. I spoke about how hard it is not to hear from you and you spoke about how I need to trust in the fact that you love me. Even those things are shallow and we didn’t talk long because I didn’t want to see you hurting. But in protecting you, I hurt me. I cant imagine what you must go through or the fear you have to endure. All I know is that I miss you and that I need you. Its only been a short while since he attacked you. But its been a lifetime since I fell in love with you hoping you would one day fall in love with me.
I’m happy beyond words to know that you do love me, and I will never stop or falter in that. It took you 9 years to catch up to me in loving me. A time that seemed forever and yet is also so worth it that I will continue to love you as you heal and get through this. Just know that on occasion I will need to know that as you are sorting out your life and dealing with the pain, that you still love me. You tell me every day you love me and I hear it. But on occasion I want to feel it as well.
I love you Catnip
You asked me such a simple question and the answer is both complex and simple. I love you as I have never loved another woman before. That is the short answer.
Part of the answer will make you angry. Part of it is because you bear worrying about! Not only because you live life, but because you sometimes make mistakes and sometimes when you do those who should support you do a poor job of it. Your the most amazing woman I know and that’s so even though for the most part you have to take care of everything you to and everything you encounter all by yourself. Sometimes you need help or love or understand from someone who loves you and I can be that. Another easy way to say that is that I wish you were mine!
I wish you had continue to let yourself fall in love with me and that we would have ended up together, married raising a family together. But that’s not what happened. I don’t know that I would say that you have chosen another man yet, I’m not sure that’s what has happened because you continue to see me and want to see me, for which I am grateful. But you did not choose me. But I still love you and for now and for the future as long as you allow me to be part of your life I will express my love for you in words and deeds.
I want everything I have ever told you that I want from you. But if I don’t get that, then I still love you and as long as I am allowed I will care for you and be kind to you within those confines.
The long answer is long because it is so complex. You are such a wounded little kitten at times that it wounds me to my very core. Such a tender and beautiful woman, so full of life and so amazing, and yet you are this wonderful woman having gone through so much turmoil. How amazing would you be if you have been treated as a woman should be treated bye the men in your life who you give so fully to and who demand so much of you in return.
There is a part of me that simply hopes that you one day see the value in you that I see and that you demand that the men in your life treat you as I treat you without qualification or demand. I do love you and I will prove it by teaching you how to love and be loved and I will have to be satisfied that that is enough. It will kill me in a million little ways, but I don’t love you because you give to me or because you share with me. I do love those things but my love for you means more than that.
I have loved very few women. I know that doesn’t mean a lot to someone who have been so loved and pursued by so many. But it means something to me. I love you so I worry and care about you.
So for now I will stop writing before I sound even more pathetic. I love you that’s why,.
I spend a lot of time wondering who I am to you. You drive me crazy and I know you know that. Were friends, sure. We are all of the things you listed to me: friends, lovers, champions, etc. But you come and go in my life that seem so easy to you. I’m sure I am wrong about that. But it seems easy to you.
Sometimes I wonder if your just toying with me. Playing with me as a simple pass time while you go about the serious parts of your life. If you are then you’re in trouble. Because I am completely in love with you. I will be very hard to shake. So if your just playing with me your screwing up.
But it will be nice for you too. Because I will serve you, and care for you in a way that you wont even understand until it’s too late. I know the other boys always want something from you. They ask for things and demand things and you comply while you need them. Or I think there is a part of you that thinks that’s how love works, an equitable exchange of favors with a caring attitude of compliance. But that’s not love.
One day you will fall willingly into my arms and never be able to escape because being loved completely feels so fucking good, who would ever want to lose it. Love is caring so deeply and so completely about the other person that you will sacrifice and serve and care for that person no matter what, without equivocation.
That’s what scares you so much about me. You know that I love you and now that you have seen love, you know that no one have ever loved you before and you are afraid of what will happen as you fall deeper in love with me. Because you fucked up and you let me see inside. I know you love me. You have already tasted it, so now it is inevitable, you will fall completely in love and you will not be able to stop yourself. Now that you know what love is, and the though of meeting the expectations of someone who requires something of you rather than loving you so completely that that it is simply who you, are will bore you.
Now what is coming next is that you will begin to trust completely, and care completely and you will allow yourself to express what you now feel. When that happens there will be two of us loving each other without though of our own needs. Then you will begin to see and understand the real power of love.
I love you and I will always love you.
Little girl. Dear beautiful, little girl. Yesterday at lunch you said that you don’t have other men you go to lunch with or that you text or that you flirt with. You said that to me, but you were defending yourself to “him.” Him being the man who brutalized you and the man who is controlling you.
I’ve never said anything accusing about your hang with other men in that way. I have said how you have hurt me a time or two with other men, but that different. That was me hurting because you cannot connect with me. You have an almost pathological rejection of my affection and it hurts to see you touch someone who means nothing to you and not touch me.
But I don’t think you out acting like a brazen woman and treating me like I’m just one of the hurd. I don’t think that at all. I know you love me and make time for me, I know you’ve been beaten because you love me. I know you are now being watched by a man you need to protect you because of me. I know you think of me, and imagine being with me. I know that you want to make love to me because you’ve said so and I believe you.
In fact I know that in some part, the reason you are so careful with me is because you are scared, even though you will never admit it, that it will change us. I know you cant lose me and that you have been so poorly treated before.
I know that I am special to you, the most important man in your life. I know that, and I love that.
I love exactly who you are, as complex as you are and as difficult as we are I love you and I know you love me. I miss you and long to see you. I suffer through the days of silence when you can not communicate with me but I understand it.
But I have never accused you of cheating of my or of being somehow cheap. In fact I think the opposite. I think some very low men have treated you cheaply when you have been amazing, but somehow you have “agreed” with them within yourself. You buy their bullshit on some level as if its true or as if it has some truth to it and its a lie.
I love you.
I’m glad were back together, so to speak. Last night was a warm night for me. I know I make your life complex, as you do mine. But I can’t deny you or what we are any more than you can, and I needed a night close to you.
There is always something hanging over us. The trial, or you family, or my family always looms in the background so its hard to go out and just do something fun. But I had fun with you. Your so charming. The fact that you don’t know that is the most amazing part of it. We walk in and heads turn, but you don’t notice. I think most women would be cowed into submission just by the stares that you get and don’t even notice. You just dive in and live.
I know I’m not a very good drinker but I did learn a lot. I learned that even at $15 dollars a pop I don’t like some booze. Next time I will have the duck fart! Petron (however it’s spelled) sucks and it made the back of my throat feel raw, does it do that to you?
I know were complex. But were complex because you are complex, me to, I won’t deny that. But I have been considering our relationship for many years more than you have and I am at peace with it. I hope to talk more about it with you. I know you don’t like talking, but I can’t let things as big as some of the things in our relationship just go on and on the way you can. You see that as me pushing sometimes. But it’s not. I can deal with anything, anything at all, if I know where I stand.
What I suck at is sitting around and waiting to see. It does not bother me at all that you and I have to be careful to protect our relationship because we have been found out before in the past. I love you love me and want to protect that relationship. But when you take steps to do that and can’t bring yourself to explain them or to comfort me and let me know that were ok, its hard for me.
Last night you told me nothing between us has changed. It was thrilling to hear because I have been dying inside. But you have been peacefully waiting for time to pass and for the opportunities to be close to come again. I saw your quietness as blowing me off and an attempt to distance me.
I don’t judge you little girl, not like other people do, and not like you judge yourself. Talking about “the Penis” you said that you need his physical presence and that you have an attachment and that things could change when “the Asshole” is in prison. You had told me in advance that this would happen and I anticipated it, but when you dedicated yourself to him and didn’t call me or tell me what was going on it was hard to see it for what it was. For some reason you don’t want to just come out and say he’s there, maybe temporally, and that you have to play by his rules to be safe. Fine. That does not bother me because I can’t do that right now, and I want you safe. But knowing that tells me that I still have value to you and that a time will come again when we can be closer.
Even so, with our brief discussion, you misunderstand some things about me and I look forward to talking about them again in the future. Your relationship with a couple of abusers in your life colors the way you see me, which is fine and I understand. But it makes you careful and sometimes hurts me. But I have been here 10 years, you have been in love with me since April and he attacked you in August. We’ve hardly had a moment to even define “us” with out you having to look over your shoulder or answer to someone. But I know that a time will come when we will be at peace with each other. I love you.